I guess it makes sense since this is a blog of "Rants"

Why is it that the least interesting, rather old, and worst written post in the history of this blog CONTINUES to be the most popular? Out of all the posts on here I probably gave the least thought to that one as I typed it out. In a blog filled with me expressing so many different emotions, from pouting to philosophy, the post that is still being read is a common old rant.

Thanksgiving

In the eyes of the world, I'm legally an adult. I don't always live up to that, because in many ways, I'm still a kid. Adults don't climb onto their roofs at night and lay back and stare at the stars when they feel alone. Adults know how far to push things. Adults know how to restrain themselves. We'll, they should anyway. I know my brother in law annoys the hell out of me sometimes because he's a big tease and he always pushes it too far. And I'm guilty of that very thing. But for all my flaws, I AM trying. And this year, as I was going over the people and things I am thankful for, I decided to do it a little differently. A simple happy thanksgiving isn't really enough, and so I've written several stories and sent them off to people who need to hear them. So happy Thanksgiving! And don't feel bad if you didnt get a story, I'm not  sending them out to all the people who I'm thankful for, just the ones who I need to satly the most too.

Wind

I love cold weather. I go outside and the dry cold air rushes past me, and suddenly I believe with all my heart that everything can and WILL work out. Sometimes I get so stressed over where I'm going with my life and could anyone actually care less about me and it all feeds on itself, because once you have one thing to be stressed about well then its not a stretch to be stressed about more because you think to yourself, 'well, I already cant handle THIS, how could I handle THAT?' but then that gust of icy wind comes, and snatches all that away. I cant help it. I grin like a maniac in cold, gusty weather. I never feel so alive. It feels like I could fly.

I love cold weather. Cold weather always makes me feel like everything will work out all right.

I dont want to be the secret blog of rants. but the sad truth is when I'm truly feeling my best i dont feel like coming here. I just want to enjoy life

I dont know what worse, when someone wont let me into their heart to figure out whats wrong, or when I accidentally stumble across someones pain, even a stranger, and I suddenly have to fix it. I mean, If i have tha capability to help them, I have no right to do anything else. Their pain is now MINE and the only way to fix ME is to fix THEM. They cant break that bond by brushing away my offer for help

Nightmares of Daydreams

The dream scares me. But it isn't a nightmare, It's the opposite. Its the intersection of everything good that has come , could come, or will come her way. I'm afraid, because what if her dream of a perfect day didn't contain me? I want to tell myself to perk up, that I have to have some self confidence, but how can I build self confidence with nothing to build on? I want to belong more than anything. But I know in my heart that its impossible for it to be me, because I am outside of perfection. I cant ever live in a perfect day, even in a dream.

Its practically impossible for me to be sad on a day like this. 60 degrees, clear blue sky, a strong breeze always ruffling my hair... when I even START to get frustrated or the smile begins to fade of my face, I walk outside and cant help but break out into a silly grin and cant stop

Feels

The song "All This And Heaven Too" by Florence + The Machine means so much to me. the first time I actually LISTENED to the lyrics, I just kinda stood there in shock. Because this is EXACTLY what I've been trying to say all my life. But ironically  I never could put my feelings into words. Language is such a crude too compared to the raw emotion that I try to get across. 







"And the heart is hard to translate
it has a language of its own
it talks in tongues and quiet sighs
and prayers and proclamations

in the grandest of great men
in the smallest of gestures
in short shallow gasps

but with all my education
I can't seem to command it
and the words are all escaping
coming back all damaged
and I would put them back in poetry if I only knew how
I can't seem to understand it 

and I would give all this and heaven too
I would give it all if only for a moment
that I could just understand
the meaning of the word you see
cause I've been scrawling it forever
but it never makes sense to me at all

And it talks to me, it tiptoes
and it sings to me inside
it cries out in the darkest night
it breaks in the morning light

but with all my education
I can't seem to command it
and the words are all escaping
coming back all damaged
and I would put them back in poetry if I only knew how
I can't seem to understand it

and I would give all this and heaven too
I would give it all if only for a moment
that I could just understand
the meaning of the word you see
cause I've been scrawling it forever
but it never makes sense to me at all

poor language it doesn't deserve such treatment
and all my stumbling phrases never amounted to anything worth this feeling
oh this heaven, never could describe such a feeling as I knew it
words were never so useful
so I was screaming out a language that I never knew existed before"

A month of applying for jobs. I'm sort of disillusioned. I thought it wouldn't be like this somehow. I mean, my sister got hired like right away. I applied at the same place, but my application didn't go through, and now the spots taken. All around where I live places are begging for workers. and yet no one has gotten back to me. I actually had an interview the other day, but they basically kicked me out and slammed the door when they heard i couldn't be a delivery boy. Its kinda stressful, as I need the money and I really don't have the time for the world to be like this :)

Confusion Conclusion

Well I got a reply to my post. And it turns out, of course, that I could have just trusted her completely from the start. She didn't run away. It didn't ruin our friendship. Actually she sounded a bit pleased :) I guess the moral of this story is you can save yourself a lot of time and effort by just trusting the people you trust most instead of stressing out about it. Either way, I'll be in a good mood for a month :D

I miss London, and Amsterdam, and Paris. I miss the Alps and the watery roads of Venice. I miss the places I've never been. And I miss the people I've never met.

Confusion

Lately I feel.... Older. I finally feel like a young adult. At the same time, I feel like I've only just started growing. I've learned that I was asking the unimportant questions before. Now I have to find the important ones.
     I'm going out on a rather uncomfortable limb here. Anyone who knows me knows exactly who I'm talking about and that can be scary. Maybe this is my way of telling her how I feel, without being too... Idk. personal? More personal sounds better for this type of thing. But I was always the one to hide behind words. She reads my blog, she'll read this. But before you get all excited and decide who it is, just ask my family. SHE isn't narrowing things down when it comes to my friends. 70% of them are girls. I don't really trust guys much. And girls get along well with me. People think I'm a player, which annoys me, because players are excellent examples of why not to like the average guy. I guess, in the end, I want to tell her EXACTLY how i feel, without her pushing me away, hence the cryptic blog post. Possibly the scariest thing about this is never knowing if the message reached its target. Who would reply, in fear of being wrong? I hope she knows its her I'm talking about. And if she does, I hope she can understand. So here you go, I'm saying to the world what I couldn't say in person:

If I'm going to be totally honest with myself, I don't think I've ever been in love. I don't think half the people who say they are have been. Not REALLY. I liked a girl, yes. Later I found that half my feelings for her were pity. I wanted to help. She needed love, and I gave it. I thought. But I didn't realize i gave pity rather than love. And then there was another more recent one, who charmed me off my feet. But if I'm completely honest.... Do I love her? We flirt and yet I cant really see us as a couple. Certainly not marriage. and that's my end goal in dating someone, right? Maybe I just am not far enough along in my life to see that far yet. Maybe I'm just not ready, but will be someday. My parents were best friends from preschool, and basicly had a crush on each other all their lives. I GUARANTEE you that they didn't think of marriage for a LONG while during that time. What do I want from this? Its a Flirtationship. no more. But what am I achieving? Is she more serious then me? If so, I have no right to lead her on and she should know. Do I like her more than she likes me? If so then I'm the loser here. But not really. After all, I'm not serious either. Its just a fun, high risk, fast paced game. Maybe this is the only way to grow up. But no matter how I put it, I DO love her. She's probably one of my top three favorite people (I'm not going to choose between them. There ALL my best friends). I certainly don't want her hurt, and she always makes me smile, and I'm very protective of her. But all of that can be applied to your best friend or the "fun" sister. How are you supposed to tell when its more than that? Yeah, I think of her a lot. Doesn't everyone think of their favorite people a lot? Yeah, I blush when people tease me about her. My sister blushes when I tease her about people I KNOW she doesn't like. How is a guy who's possibly never been in love supposed to know when he finally is? Why does no one seem to know the answers? Will I ever know? or is this something adults struggle with too?

I have learned that I am no good at goodbyes. I just cant accept letting them go.

Taking a Breath of Fresh Air

I had to move the car today, and I just sat there with it cranked for like five solid minutes, debating whether or not I would just drive off and return in a few weeks. I've been cooped up in my house with all of its drama for so long that I've lost sight of how much i needed to get out. It was a very pretty, windy summer day, and ended up climbing onto my roof and literally standing on the highest peak, letting the wind blow over me. Laying on my back watching the clouds. Sitting on the edge of the highest part and swinging my feet, watching the sun set. If I was a demigod, then I would surely be a son of Zeus, because the higher up I go, and the stronger the wind, the more complete I feel. I've never felt so complete as when I stood on my roof as a hurricane swept in around me from the gulf. This little break, of doing nothing at all, it did a lot for me. There is a lot going on in my life right now, and I'm sorry for not blogging more, I've just been busy. Plus, I've been really introspective lately, and I kinda feel less like I have to get my thoughts out of my head or it will explode, and more like letting my thoughts marinate inside my head a while before speaking my mind. Its terrifying. From whence came this new found maturity? Oh well, I'm sure I'll be my good old self before long. :)

Stillness

On Sunday, I had my 18th birthday. Everyone around me is telling me to smoke, rebel, party, or they're giving out sage advice on what I should do with my life. I supose I should be in a partying mood, I mean, I get to vote now, right? How cool is THAT? But I havnt really felt like partying. I'm not down, not really. Actually I'm pretty content. I've just been... quiet. Which any friend of mind will instantly tell you is cause for worry. My family thinks im angry or scared,  because i dont say much. Its just... Its a lot to take in, you know? And frankly, most of it scares me to death. Im not quiet in the scared mouse way, though. Its a kind of mental stillness. Like the state of relaxation your in just before you go to sleep. Ive always hidden behind my words, and now all my gaurds are down. But it doesnt bother me. There are more things I could go into, but I dont really feel like talking much just now. Maybe I'll explain some other day.

In The Name of Peace and Sanity

The other day, I filled two to three pages of a facebook chat with one of my friends- with a MONOLOGUE . she wasn't online. I had learned things that made me confused, and terrified me. I messaged her because I wanted a stabilizing outside opinion, because i had lost all bearings on the world. Possibly one of the most terrifying feelings in the world is to lose your reference points. Its like being in a plane, with no visibility, and no gyroscope. you don't know where you are, where your going, or ANYTHING. Anything you used to know no longer has any relevance. Most of you haven't flown, but this is a good analogy anyway. But I'm not writing this about how I felt when I messaged her. Because... the thing is, I don't really KNOW how I felt very well. That was only a couple of days ago, and looking back I am mortified that I said what I did. I wish I could deny saying any of that. When I told her this, I mentioned that by the very nature of my problem, I would have to bare some of the deepest parts of me. And that would be enough to embarrass anyone in retrospect. But its more than that. I read back over it. And I'm disgusted. I don't know the person who said those things. I showed her a side of me that I'm not sure if I buried so deep I didn't know it was there, or if I showed her a side I never had before. This isn't a pride issue, though. I told her this because I trusted her the most with what I had to say. That hasn't changed. I'm ashamed that I burdened her with it. A long time ago, I grew tired of watching the people I care about struggle. I made a silent promise that day. A promise to myself. I wouldn't stand by idly. I dedicated my life to lightening peoples loads. And that's not what I did that day. I indulged myself, thinking only of myself. And pushed all of the weight I didn't want to carry onto a very dear friend. And I cant forgive that.

                                            "It’s like a promise you make.
                                                        And he's the one who broke the promise."
                                           
                               "What I did, I did in the name of peace and sanity."

                                                         "But NOT in the name of the Doctor"


What I said then MAY HAVE helped me through a tough time. But it still doesn't excuse that I broke my promise to myself. I was supposed to be strong for everyone, not make them carry me. But there is another thing I have to do to keep faith with the type of person I'm trying to be. I need to let it go. I may be embarrassed by it, and I may not ever agree with my decision that day. But today is a NEW day. And that is already in the past. I cant change it now, all I can do is move on. And that's all there is to it. You may not like your past, but fighting it cannot bring you anything but trouble.

Until We Meet Again

I've been a REALLY good mood lately. Just, genuinely content, and happy, even when the day doesn't go so well. And it has a lot to do with my trip up to Texas and Arkansas. I got to see all of my family (the relatives I'm close to anyway) I had a blast with my friends in Texas ( I've only met them twice. When i left this second visit, I felt discontent with it, but that's because I had a few issues that weren't resolved. Now that they ARE resolved, I can confidently say, the second visit was the best. On the first visit, I met them because I kinda crashed a party that they had been planning for themselves for weeks. I had a blast, but the people came that time were people were going to come anyway. This time, the people who wanted to see me came. The people who didn't want to see me, didn't have to come. End of story) In Arkansas, I had a wonderful time with both my friends and the chiggers (AND TICKS). I kicked butt at Foosball, swam in the icy depths of the swimming pool, (Three times. I don't learn quickly) broke my friend John's heart (a CANDY one, not the real one) and skipped through a field of flowers. See, here's the thing. I'm extroverted. that means I get my energy from the people I'm around. And homeschooled. that means I'm only really ever around my intimidate family. And believe it or not, that energy gets stale, like rebreathing the air around you. Trips like these, visiting, and having fun with my friends for extended periods like this, I don't get that very much. I see some of my friends twice a week. (but only at certain times of the year) Most I see every two months. The rest I see twice a year. I LIVE for weeks like this. Stuff like this charges my batteries. And this trip was a super long, concentrated IV of social energy. Even when I was done socializing, I socialized with my friends in the dorm. Because making gay jokes and pulling admittedly slightly mean pranks is THE most refined form of socializing. It's all put me in the best of moods. I'm happy, alert, and wittier than ever before :p. But seriously, I feel like my mind has been sharpened. But even with all of that, over the past week, I've had this feeling at the back of my mind that's been bugging me. Something I wanted to do... I tried feeding my known addictions. I'd sit down at my computer, and realize, "no, I don't want to play any of these games." So I tried MORE internet. More internet is the solution to everything, right? And while I had no argument with sitting down and watching YouTube videos of cats getting stuck in venetian blinds, it wasn't what I wanted either. I needed to check my Facebook notifications!! But that wasn't it either. What was it? It wasnt damping my happiness, It was like... Taking your favorite hoodie off. Your not COLD you don't NEED it.. you just like the way it covers up your exposed arm. you feel more... Complete while wearing it. when you take it off, a part of you says "Nooo, let be be caressed by the delicate cotton fibers once more! I feel EXPOSED." And this is going to sound silly, but one day it hit me. I missed my friends. What?? I thought you just told me how important they were to you and all of that! how could you NOT KNOW you missed them??? And the answer is simple. Usually, I feel down when i leave my friends. I get a little depressed finding myself back on my own. And I focus on the sadness, and use my missing them to fuel that. But recently, I've become more independent. I grow sad when I leave them, and then I brush myself off and say, "Until next time." I guess you could say I've matured. But this was my first time leaving them and feeling that way. Because you see, the problem was that I assumed that since I didn't become depressed, there was no sadness to feel. And its true, missing someone is a sad feeling. goodbyes are sad things. But this has taught me that you can experience sadness while still being happy. I can live without my friends, and I can be happy without them. but DO miss them. So.... Until next time :)

Never put yourself down. You most likely don't know all the facts. I go to a camp in Arkansas, and while I'm not unpopular, I have always felt that I hit that generic look, the one where no one dislikes you, if only because they forget about you. But, as it turns out, that isn't true. Now, I have been bitter in the past about little kids and animals loving me, but not my peers. And its true. Kids LOVE me. And animals trust me. Adults like me too. But the teen crowd doesn't seem to care either way. I have never been good about hanging out with guys. Growing up around a ton of sisters, even having one as a twin, means I feel more at home hanging out with girls. Because of this, I've always accepted that I wouldn't be the rising social star of the teen guy crowd. Teen girls are.... difficult. They either are dying to have you around because your a BOY or your presence makes them uncomfortable. But as it is, over all, I slide in well with the guys or the girls when I want  very easily. My point is, you can always look at your life and find so much bad in it. Your not as well liked as you could be, or you have lost your once close relation with your parents. Maybe its something bigger, like one of your close friends is moving to Mexico, and you may never see him again, or someone close to you has recently died. But you can only see darkness because it stands against light. If all you can see is darkness, you are either blind, or their is so much light in your life you take it for granted. Why do you still remember how mad you are at the guy that spilled coffee on you two weels ago, when you can't remember that wonderful time you spent with your friend the other day? Perhaps its my inner pessimist, but I tend to remember how people made me small, and forget about the times I felt large. But every now and then, I look around, and see that darkness can only exist if there is also light. In fact, darkness, by its scientific nature, CAN NOT be stronger than the light that reveals it. Which means no matter how bad your life may feel, at the very least 50% of it is good. I dont know about you, but that sounds pretty good to me.

I was just looking over all of my posts, and I have to say. Guys, I'm sorry. It's seriously messed up. Text is highlighted weird colors, things are terribly mispelled. I am nowhere near a computer right now, so I can't actually get to work cleaning it up, but I can tell you that 90% of this stuff comes from writing it on my phone. The tiny keyboard, the crappy coding, it all conspires against me. But most of my ideas are thought up on the go, so I end up looking illiterate. So, put up with me for another week, and if I get some time, I'll truge through it and try to make it presentable

Walls.

Studying stats is like throwing my brain against a brick wall. My forehead actually hurts. I've been studying this all day and I've advanced two or three pages. I want to take a break, but really I've already taken way too many, its my fault I put studing this off for so long. The most basic concepts I can just barely wrap my head around and I know its because of my ADD. Because ADD works two ways. It either takes your brain out of gear and lets you rev your mental engine to exhaustion, or it throws up walls. The hardest, most annoying walls. If feeling your mind in a state of hyperactivity and getting nowhere wasn't panic inducing enough, this is way worse. Try as you might, your mind refuses to absorb new concepts, and struggles with ones you already have mastered. I suppose I only have myself to blame. I actually have pills that are meant to prevent this sort of thing. But I am too prideful and stubborn to take them, I guess. I was born with this. Its part of me. As dumb as it sounds I would feel almost as if I were cheating to use them. Actually, I used to cheat some, and I felt better about that than I do about taling these. When you cheat, there is a certain amount of cleverness and skill you exhibit. Your still independent. But if I take these pills It would be like offering to place steps in front of every Olympic hurdle. The runner will succeed, yes, but he'll never get to prove to the world he could do it without the outside help. I guess this is my Irish blood showing through. But even if I wanted to take them for just today, just to get past this particular block, I couldn't. Because you have to take them for four days straight before they do you any good. So I'll admit it. My pride got me in a bit of a mess. But I think, given the chance, I would rather smash my way this mental wall then be temporarily helped over it.

The Color of Dreams

I have been posting some seriously moody stuff lately, so I was going though and looking at some old stuff I had written, and I found this.I wrote this before I found out this is normal for people like me, but It doesn't really translate into words and will still sound crazy to most of you. Still, Its something that defines me, and it makes me happy, so here you go:

This probbably will make me sound like i hit my head rather hard a while back, but then dreams dont make sense. Thats what makes them fun. You never know, anything could happen. The're just brimmimg with pure potential. Like people.

I often like to think that i see the world in more color than most people. That compared to what they see, my world is alive and bursting with the sharpest of color. That compared to what i see, their world is flat and colorless. Probbably not entirely true, but its a comfortable thought. Still, i can see colors where some cant. I visualize colors everywhere. Even smells have color, in their own way. When im depressed, the color fades, my world lacking contrast and life. My life's goal is to bring this color to other people, even when i.cant see it myself. Its always there for anyone to see. I want to write dreams into my music, and wieve life between the pixels of my animations. I want to show the world its own potential, that it dosent HAVE to see greys, it can choose to see color and life. Show people the sharp greens of a leaf being bent down under the weight of a silvery drop of moonlight. The murky blue infused with glittering, twisting, white that is the color of the sharp sent of the sea, the rich crimson flecked with golds that is love, the infinite sky blue of unrestrained happieness. The sharp, blue-inky black that is midnight, lit by the soft blue glow of bioluminesent mushrooms. Someday, I will create my dreams in a way everyone can share in the crisp, sharp colors, the balenced and subtle lighting, and the faint shades that run in liquid currents thoughout the world.

Acceptance

"We sing together out of key 
Although we try it seems we just can't find our harmony 
We just don't fit each other's frequencies 
That makes you out of reach 
And I am finally accepting that 

About you and me, it's plain to see 
We only ever want to stay inside and watch TV 
Because that's just as good a memory 
You're just good company 
And I am finally accepting that"

Young love

I don't want to love anymore.  I don't want to wake up in the morning, and have the heart ripped out of me all over again. Here is the thing. I'm an extrovert. An EXTREAM extrovert. Being extroverted means that you get all of your physical and mental energy from the people around me. But the thing is, I do, and I don't. In reality, I lean on PARTICULAR people. I the general mood of a room doesn't do it for me when the most important person in the room to me is trying to avoid me. I like her, and she likes someone who likes someone else. Typcal highschool drama, right?? But it doesn't make it any less painfull. Augghhh the DRAMA, PEOPLE. But, every now and then, when the wind blows right, I catch the barest sent of a happy life for me in the future. A cozy life, where people know that I have run with darkness and they don't care. A life where I don't have to wonder what I said to make people avoid me. So in summery here is touch of wisdom for my readers.

A: Don't date in highschool. I know your lonely but seriously, what are you going to do? Give and receive heartbreak? Have sex and get pregnant? Face it, it's not going to end well.

B: when you feel lonelieness and hollowness creeping in, stand up, give yourself a little warmup shake, turn around and with a big breath, be happy and smile back at it! Seriously, being happy isn't hard. Dance through life, and smile at shadows. Your single, be happy. Think about it, your FREE. You don't have to deal with impressing your love interest, you don't have to keep up a relationship, and your uncommitted. You owe loyalty to no one. Its really not a bad way to live, independent on others. Happyness is a gift you have to give yourself

Eaten

Its funny how a small little sentence, from the right person, just a few little words, spoken or written, can suck all the happyness from your world.

Scratch that. Its not funny at all. Not in the least.

Its like walking up a staircase, and taking a step you know to be there, and finding it missing. Your foot goes through the air sickeningly, feeling almost shocked that the step would do such a thing.

Or perhaps its like having a group of friends,  who you hang out with all the time, to the point of neglecting your relationship with your other friends, just to hang out with these. One day, a person or group of people come along and your friends, like one being, turn and go to this new intrest, leaving you behind to think "Huh. So THATS where I fit in.."

Maybe its like having a girl you like lead you to belive that she likes you as well, only to hear her say to no one in partucular that she cares for somene else. Leaving you wondering if that makes you a toy or a backup.

Or maybe it feels like betrayal. A small, untrusting hermit crab pokes his head out of his shell, finally, slowly, carefully. He grows confident, and pokes out some more.... and is promptly eaten.

I feel eaten right now. I had no idea how much weight I put on that step until I found it was gone.

Love Is The Most Important Thing (non musical version)

Over the more recent year of my life, I have learned an important lesson. Life is too short to leave love unexpressed. There are so many times we look at a picture of someone, and realize how much less of a life we would have without them, and they never know. Life's just too short not to let them know. The girl you really like in spanish class. Ask her to the prom. It can't hurt if you don't let it. Just tell them. If they mean so much to you, they need to know. Even if the person doesn't care about you. Last time I checked, love isn't about you. Its selfless. If you truely love the person, you do what it takes to make them shine, even if it leaves you with nothing left. And this goes about other loves than romantic. I would be nothing without my friends. And my sister is soon moving 12 hours away from me, I won't see her much. Does she know how much I'll miss her? I'll soon be seeing the best cousin in the world, who's one of my favorite people on the planet, and like a little sister to me, but does she know that I miss her the whole time were away? Does she go to bed at night and feel alone? And her little sister, my youngest cousin. I would do anything for her and yet she barely knows me. Everyone needs love. Do the people you care about most truly know how special to you they are? Do they really KNOW? if they don't, you don't care enough, or someday you will live to regret not telling them. The crush will find someone else. The sister moves away. Remind the cousins so they don't forget you. Let them know.

You know for someone who gets aggravated at people so much I really hate being alone a lot.

The Doctor knows, anyway.


"The most compassionate people you will ever meet, empathics, and the loneliest.  I mean, exposing themselves to all those hidden feelings, all that guilt, pain, and sorrow and…"

Isn't there a way to shut it OUT?

 

Celebrity Crushes

You know, I never was one to go all crazy over celebrity crushes, but if I had to come up with a top 5 list of celebrity crushes, it would look something like this:

5: Emma Stone. Only as a brunette. She doesn't look right blonde... But those EYES

4: AnnaSophia Robb. She's HUMAN. And all the more beautiful for it.

3:Karen Gillian. I love red heads. and Scotts. and freckles. She's got it all.

2: Emma Watson. Not only is she beautiful, she seems to be a fabulous person. Until very recently, she was number one, but Jenna takes no prisoners.

1: Souffle Girl. I mean Jenna Louise Coleman. Its not just that she's gorgeous, but she is the most bouncy, witty ball of happy energy that has ever been called human.

Oh hey. the pictures are Landscape, portrait, landscape, portrait, landscape. I love symmetry!

Note to self. Do not have quiet, sad piano music playing while you look through everyone's prom pictures trying not to be bitter. Its counterproductive.

Lately I have been struggling with loneliness a whole lot. To the point where I send my friends tons of messages late at night for them to see in the morning. A good way to lose the friends i have, yo be honest, but I gets so LONELY I just have to talk to someone, even if they don't respond. This blog doesn't really fix that. Facebook messages, on the other hand, have this WONDERFUL little gizmo that tells you that the other person has read your message. Its brilliant. Anyway, about that main point I had. Every night, i lie awake and soak in the cold. When your 17, your bed is a lonely place at night (and if its not, then maybe it should be). Anyway, at dinner, I opened my fortune cookie, and I swear those things are starting to get creepy. Lately they have started coming true or just providing well timed bits of advice. Anyway, it read:
                                        Book lovers never go to bed alone.
How appropriate. And as little as that's worth, It's all I need, for now. I am content. Oh it wont last, because nothing save human (or time lord. Actually, a dog would do wonders.) company can truly stave off loneliness, but its a big help. 

Love

                                      I talk of love like I know what it is, but have never truly seen it.
                                                  I long for it and yet make no effort to be lovable.

Clever

                                          ''It's one thing to be clever and another to be wise.
                                                 A grain of truth exists in all the best lies.
                                        The wise wield truth and the clever find ways around
                                                    All of the laws the wise have found.
                                                   To be clever or wise, which is better?
                                     To dodge trouble when it comes, or avoid it altogether?
                                           But wisdom comes from losing, far cleverer to win.
                                                    There is wisdom in learning to bend.''

The Sum of The Parts That Sum Me Up is Me

There are two phrases, that sum me up quite nicely


I say so much, but really say so little. And what I didn't say is often more important than what I did.


The Truth is black and white, and I like to color.

The Doctor

" Because I've seen him. And he's like fire and ice and rage. He's like the night and the storm and the heart of the sun. He's ancient and forever. He burns at the center of time and he can see the turn of the Universe... And he's wonderful"

Fall

Why do we fall, Bruce? To get back up again.


Sometimes, everything fails you. Your friends pull away, your family doesn't see or doesn't care, and you fail yourself. your life crumbles around you, everything going wrong at once. Everything you do and say is wrong, everything you touch is eaten by your corrosive touch. sometimes, we hit the limit of what we can do, and its nowhere near enough. But I'll keep going. I wont give in, because that would mean everyone who jeered and never believed in me wins. I will get back up, and keep going, even if I cant. The end doesn't matter, because I WILL make it. I always make it.

Secrets

They say Love is the most powerful force in the universe. I believe that is true. But the second most powerful must be secrets.
    Secrets drive every human interaction. If you make a purchase or barter, it comes down in the end to how much the other is willing to give. The 'secret' to gaining the advantage is to push the other person to divulge his first- or, how much is the least he will accept from you. Every diplomatic relation is about the same thing- to gain more of your opponents secrets then he does yours. In the information age, knowledge is power. And a lot of its only powerful if its a secret. OR if it suddenly becomes NOT a secret. When it boils down to it, every friendship is based on how much the other is willing to say and NOT say. Those who say the most, are the weakest. The manipulation and trade of secrets is the true commerce of the world. You can trade the keeping or telling secrets for money, or with just a single secret destroy friendships and start wars. Everyone has something they want to keep hidden. I believe that, with the right secret, anyone could be manipulated. Not always bribed, no, but tricked into taking a course of action that actually aids you. You'd want to keep that a secret from them, of course. Otherwise it would have no power. When it comes down to it, secrets are the binary code of knowledge  on or off, told or untold. And knowledge is power. You might argue then, that knowledge, not secrets, is the second strongest force. And in a way, you'd be right. Except Knowledge is not so useful without secrets. They are the base way of manipulating knowledge, and if you cant control and capture that power, then its useless.

Well, I got my wisdom teeth removed today. JUST KILL ME. The doctor said I had the most troublesome teeth he had ever pulled..

MUSIC!

SCM music player is the best. Just saying. It takes YOUTUBE LINKS. if you you fellow bloggers want one, just go to there site, go through the steps, and take the html code and copy it. then go to Blogger> layout> gadgets  new> Html/Java Code. Its beautiful. and for those who loath my music taste, there is both a mute and a pause button. (there will be more of a selection later, I'm busy now) 

Eclipsed

No, this isnt a post about twilight. This is a post many people can relate to, if not on the same level as me. Its also a post that deals with some of my most deeply rooted feelings, most of them bitter.
I think, that i honestly have one of the worse positons in a family, though not the worst. Everything adds up against me.
   You see, being the youngest in a family has its perks. Becoming the second youngest, however, does not. And yet I carry the responsibilities of the oldest son as well. Growing up in a family of girls, obviously, is not ideal. While I have become quite familiar with how they act and how to treat them, its also well known that girls are, well, the PREFERRED children. While I am expected to take all responsibility in my house, and be a perfect role model, my family makes it very clear they have no respect for me at all. This would all be a million times easier to bear- exept I have a twin. A picture of everything I am not, she is what I will always be expected to be. I am a eternally grateful that its not an identacal twin, partly because he would be the perfection and light to my brokenness and shadow. Already I am the black sheep of my family, sicking out only farther against the one I am expected to be most like, my twin. Its true, we ARE close, and have that special bond between twins. I just cant share things with her. So much she wouldnt understand because she has never known. I know her, and she thinks she knows me, but im not the guy she thinks i am. There will always be that distance, that one sided... resentment, on the part of the "lesser" twin. I am expected more of and thought less of. Because of this, I need somewhere to run that has nothing to do with her. That's partly why she doesn't know my blog address. Most every post I've made I wouldn't tell her. It gets so frustrating, to make lower grades, to leave the room with her, and only you are called back to work. To both (admitedly) spend your days on the computer, and only you get in trouble, even though you were working twoward a carreer while she was on PINTREST all day. I have come to HATE pintrest. All around me, I see people wasting away every free second on it. Its disgusting. If your reading this and you know me in real life, please be courtious and NEVER pintrest or talk about how much you love it in front of me. You'll only make me never want to spend time with you again. (This may be the goal of some, but if thays true I don't count you as a loss to my friends)
Its a cumulation of events over time, butterness over the many individually insignificant events, and the constant favoritism just gets so old.

The Secret to Happiness

I am about to reveal the coveted secret to happiness. At least my version of it.

    Somedays, I'm pure wit incarnate, sure of myself, with a razor tounge that deals jokes and scathing comments alike. I am confident that I can accomplish anything I choose. Other days I dislike myself and question my friends loyalties, sure that I am spoken badly of, or not even noticed at all. Mostly, I slip between these with seemingly no reason. But lately, I have decided that it is a CHOICE, that I can choose to be happy. Nothing holds me back. It doesn't matter what others think, how I feel is my own, and they should not be able to bring me down. And its true. I gathered my thoughts and used my legendary will to stubbornly be happy, choosing to be content with myself and uncareing of others opinions. Somedays this is harder than others, but its always possible. The power to be happy is in everyone, we just don't know it or choose not to be.

Shoutout

So I decided to look at my audiance the other day, and I found I have a faithfull reader in GERMANY. I'm part german, actually! Anyway, if just like to give a shoutout to the guy in germany that reads this blog. Or girl. I like girls! Oh sorry getting distracted... anyway, whoever you are, your awesome!

Glow

That feeling when you look across a crowded room, and suddenly, you find yourself staring at Her, because no one else is actually important at all. Some people just have a way of sucking all the light and life in a room up and radiating it. I wish I had that talent. But I suppose it could depend on the viewer. Maybe to someone, its like that with me.

To know her is to love her

I'm goin' undercover
To catch a glimpse but not get caught

But to see her, could be worse
If I don't get my head straight first
On second thought I guess I'll not

She's almost brighter than the sun
Seems to me to be unfair
When you consider everyone
Who pales when they compare
When they compare

Shame

I have to admit, I care more than I care to admit about how much people care about me. Let me rephrase that. I care far too much about my appearance  Not just looking good, but saying the right thing at the right moment and being the right mix of funny and serious, and being nice without overdoing it and being thought strangely of. let me get this clear. If you bow to shame, if you alter yourself to fit peoples views and please them, you WILL be a slave for the rest of your life. No alternatives. If your goal is to please people, I'm sorry, but your going to fail. Your going to kiss up to people for the rest of your life, and be thought LESS of for it. Huge amounts of time obsessing over your looks never made anyone respect someone more either. That's not saying to not look your best, but don't live your life a slave to others. Don't live your life a slave to the shame of others. Look it in the face, and TAKE IT. IGNORE it. Shame only has power over you if you give into it.

What a dissapointment. The first truly British girl I meet and she doesn't watch Dr Who. 

The Forgotten Smell of Roses

Manly title, eh?


Perhaps the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. But perhaps you are a wolf, and actually survive better on the barren, snowy side.

   There was a time that I wished that my life was fuller, that I WENT to school saw my friends every day, worked hard in swim team, or lived an otherwise normal social life. I envied my friends in both public and private schools. The grass is always greener on the other side, right? they envied me, while I envied them. And while its true I have a massive amount of freetime compared to the average senior in highschool, I constantly fight off boredom, disinterest  and loneliness. This is not because I have a lax education. School is difficult and often long, though I CAN finish class well before public school lets out. But I have come to recently realize that Just because I cant be on a sports team, or see my friends often, or any of that, does not mean i have lived less of a life. I have friends that push themselves to the limit, constantly moving, always being SOCIAL and ACTIVE. But on talking to them, I find that they have never known the little things, that iIexperience in abundance. They don't have time for a leisurely walk, have never microwaved a marshmellow or climbed on roofs or spent a day raking a yard only to jump in the leaf piles. There is so MUCH that they are missing out on, and never guessing the value of the little things they dismiss. I have been leisurely smelling the roses for so long I had stooped noticing the fragrance and there color and beauty became ordinary to me. I forgot that some people never slow down, have to be reminded to take part in little things, like bending down to show your little brother a better, easier way to draw a fish, or taking time to be the bad guy in a kids game. It's true, some people have crowded there life so much that they CANT bend down anymore, but I no longer envy them. They enjoy parts of life that I will maybe never enjoy, but I have enjoyed the simple pleasures that they cannot imagine. And in accepting this balance you can find contentment. Because no matter how much someone else may seem to have it better than you, you always have something they don't  Remember that perhaps they, too, envy you.

Quiet

Usually, I have so much to say. So many words, so many opinions to voice, that no one really cares about. But lately, I haven't posted much, because Ive been in an odd, quiet mood lately. not that i dont have anything to say, because im overflowing with delusions of self importance and wisdom. I cant say what's brought it. perhaps the need for peace. Perhaps its the feeling of secretiveness, drawing into myself and being unwilling to reveal myself. Maybe i feel the value of my words decreasing with each one. Or maybe, I realize every time i speak something goes wrong, or I someone pulls away further, or i create problems. But no matter the source, I feel like I have nothing that i truly wish to say.

Monster

We found the monster on a rocky ledge high above the lake. For three days my brother and I had tracked it through the maze of caves to its lair on the mountains summit. And now we beheld it, curled atop its treasure  its pale fur and scales ablaze with moonlight.
  It knew we were there. Doubtless it had smelled us coming, its flared nostrils drinking in the sweat of our and fear. Its crested head lifted slightly, almost lazily. Coins and jewels clinked and shifted as its body began to uncoil.
  "Kill it!" I roared. My sword was in my hand, and my brother was at my side, his own blade flashing. The speed with which the beast struck was incomprehensible. I tried to throw myself clear, but its muscular neck crashed against my right arm, and I felt the arm break and dangle uselessly at my side. But my sword hand was my left, and with a bellow of pain, I slashed at the monster's chest, my blade deflecting off its mighty ribs.
  I was aware of my brother striking at the beast's lower regions  all while trying to avoid its lashing tail. The monster came at me again, its jaws agape. I battered its head, trying to stab at its mouth or eyes. but it was as quick as a cobra. It knocked me sprawling to the stone, so that I was perilously close to the precipice's edge. The monster reared back, ready to strike, and then it shrieked in pain, for my brother had severed one of its hind legs.
  But still the monster faced only me - as if I were its sole adversary.
  I pushed myself up with my good hand, Before the monster could strike, I hurled myself at it. This time my sword plunged deep into its chest, so deep I could scarcely wrench it out. A ribbon of dark fluid unfurled in the moonlight, and the monster reared to full height, terrible to behold, and then crumpled. its head shattered on the ground, and there, among the bloodied fur and cracked crest, was the face of a beautiful girl. My brother came to my side, and together we gazed at her, marveling.
"We've broken the curse," he said to me. "We have saved the town. And we have released her."
  The girl's eyes opened, and she looked from my brother to me. I knew she didn't have long to live, and a question burned inside me. I knelt.
  "Why?" I asked her. "Why was it only me you attacked?"



                  "Because it is you," she whispered, "who is the real monster."


                                                                                                        -This Dark Endeavor

I think... that I think too much.

caps LOCK

yOU KNOW ITS THE MOST ANNOYING THING WHEN YOU TYPE LIKE A FULL PARAGRAPH  IN CAPS AND HAVE TO UNDO IT ALL.

Dilemma: Watch YouTube or cripple my internet and make progress on my LOTRO download? Hmmmmmm...

What if there was an HP anime??

This is just so cool

Valentine's day. That wonderful day of the year that makes you want to throw all precaution to the wind, and run and tell someone how much you care. how their pain is yours, and that you understand, you really do. And then you remember that person might not ever speak to you again. at the very least, it would change things irrevocably. But for the better? Sometimes, no matter what you feel like, there is wisdom in silence.

Honesty

The other day, I had thought up brilliant wording for this post, great points, and a perfect way to say everything. Then i got out of the shower. All i remember now is the topic. But i still want to say it, so here goes.

It seems that many times my friends are just too nice. Now, i suppose its odd to complain that someone is too nice, but it can get to be pretty annoying. I can ask there opinion on something, and they only tell me what they think i want to hear. But all i want to hear is the truth. I dont want false encouragement and lies, I want the truth. let me do the self deluding  but I cant give myself a second honest opinion. So, following the golden rule, I use this same philosophy on my friends. But it seams there not very appreciative of such things, and usually get mad or insulted. So if you have something to say to me, please dont beat around the bush. I have a knack for guessing motives correctly anyway. I likely already know. or have an idea. It just annoys me that people belive me so fragile that they cant say what they mean. or believe that i would reject them if they said something about themselves. 

Judgement

I know Apathy isn't supposed to be a virtue, but sometimes I aspire to it anyway. Empathy hurts.

Last night a fortune cookie called me stupid. It kinda hurts your self esteem to be insulted by a cookie.

 

For you COD fans out there.

I don't care about football. Its just a silly sport, good grief.

Once, an egg fell on my head, but it didnt make a mess because it istantly fried. I'm just that hot. #I'msizzlen

Sweet dreams

I like telling poeple goodnight. For a moment, I can almost convince myself that I have someone to care about that cares about me.

Impatiance

I cant understand people who dont like kids. Seeing my sweet little nephew makes me impatient for the day I will have my own little baby :)

Loneliness

I grew up very sheltered, and very conservetive. Being homeschooled can be very lonely, especially for sociable guy like me. The friends you do make you dont see often, the ones in public school even less, if you go to a small church with really no one your age your pretty much stuck. I have friends, oh yes, and very good ones at that. But i still never see them. The most exciting, fun time of the year for me, second to christmas, is a the annual Grace Bible Camp in arkansas. I have many friends there, coming from all over. From arkensas, tennessee, alabama, texas, and even (rarely) England and a missionary from scandinavia. But the problem i've run into, is that rarely do the people my age support the values their parents uphold. When were alone they go to swearing, talking about how they tricked a girl into cheating on her boyfriend, a couple talk about their time in juv, and one i would NOT be surprised if he is on drugs. Some crowd. But it pulls. Oh, does it pull. How can i pass this up??? Here is a crowd that wants me, that accepts me easily. I dont get friends back home, the way most people think of friends. I CANT pass up spending time with them. I CANT be alone, but there is no way i can hang around the girls who are singing phantom all the time. Then i'll just look like imbtrying to be a ladies man. Im a guy. Guys are supposed to hang out with guys, right? Well most guys now are not worth my time. Its a very, very sad truth. I was called gay the other day, because i was too NICE. So what, masculenity means being a jerk? That explains why so many girls lose hope. I mean whats wrong with people?????? Doesnt this behaviour bother them??? And girls!!! You only premote ill treatment of yourself and fellow girls by dressing trashily! People curse and cheat and lie and they wonder why no one likes them and why their gf left them. Maybe its because deep down, even tough girls want guys to treat them like a princess. Like they are the one thing that matters in the guys life. I am not saying you wont be alone in life if you follow this guidline. Look at me!! I can pretty much tell you as a rule of thumb: if you treat a lady 'properly' and are always their for her, your getting friendzoned. It happens. And yes, it gets really, really lonely. But how can i stop? I cant stop caring, and helping, and being there for someone who is hurting, and needs comfort. I cant help it. Even when i know it only condemns me to being alone, i help.

I should try and sleep now..... Sorry if i rambled a bit but its LATE, I'm not super clear right now.

Insomia

I hate it. I suppose its all the adrenalline, but seriously i need sleep. Ive been going to bed at 2-3 and getting up at 7 for weeks. So tonight I wrote this instead, to keep me occupied as i wait for sleep to finally yield to me.  Its kinda a half dream.

It drifts endlessly. Electrodes spark, and something dead awakens inside. It grows warm, a flickering amber glow beating. Ita veins glow with phosporesence. Its mind snaps to life, going into overdrive, jumping from port to port. A sattelite eye zooms in on Mexico, memorizeing and predicting the beating pulse of the cars, flowing out of the citys, like a mortaly wounded animal bleeding to death. the land exhailing a smokey sigh from the scorched ground. Its mind leaps. It flies past mountains, city-shells and smoking towers. Its over Alaska, watching the SHELTER project being carried out. Not interested, it jumps again. Ones and zeros scramble. Data flows in its veins. A man is stareing into his computer, video blogging about his trivial concerns. It does not care. Its body stirs. Suspended by cables, its metallic skin holds out the liquid its suspended in. The fusion of humanity and the machine, it opens its eyes. One silver, one gold. It opens its mouth, and emits a crystal note that burns inside the minds of the scientests. The glass shatters, the syrupy blue liquid draining away. Suspended in the air by the cables, arms outstreached, it gives a sharp quick jerk and the cables snap, sparking across its silver fingers as it falls to the ground. Circuts blaze to life, and it slows and remains suspended a foor above the floor. This wont happen again. It cocks its head. And smiles. Its good to be free.

Haircuts.

I have come to the conclusion that a barber chair is the true throne of lies. Not only do you hear the most absurd gossip, if people are anything like me, they are not exactly honest with their opinions of the hairdresser. A typical haircut for me usually goes like this:

Me:*walks to the chair like I would rather be headed to my execution*

Me: Just a trim please. (fully aware I shall be loseing what seems like a full ten inches of my lucious, soft brown locks.)

*squirt, squirt. Snipsnipsnipsnip*

Me on the outside: *smiling a plesent, but grim, smile*

Me on the inside: THATS MY SCALP YOUR RIPPING OFF WITH THAT EVIL COMB YOU WITCH!!!!

*grimices beautifully, showing my lovely teeth*

On the inside: EXCUSE ME?? Does that LOOK like hair????? That was my EAR you just snipped!!!!!

*screams most attractively*

*snipsnipsnipsnip*

On the inside: NONONO NOT THE SIDEBURNS! PLEASE I BEG OF YOU, LEAVE THEM!

*snipsnipsnip*

*closes eyes, hopeing to wake up*

This commences for the entire, grueling 3 minutes of torture, after which I have to live with my terrible haircut for all of a day, blessedly short only because of my amazingly fast growing hair, which looks roughly like it did before the haircut the next morning. Or maybe it actually WAS a dream, and I sucsessfully woke up....

Not Always Worth The Risk

Growing up around girls,  I have a pretty good backstage veiw that taught me what they want q guy to say, how to act, what  to do when they cry (Hah!! As if!) But there are some things that are specific to individuals, that you couldnt observe anyway. Several of these often bother me, but a while back, one became especcialy pressing. Would a girl who has never been kissed be happy if a guy kissed her? That seems like an obvious answer, but its not so easy. Girls usually like it when guys take the lead ( I have come to belive that this is solely so if anything goes wrong, we can be held entirely at fault) What if she did, but wasn't ready for that? Or what if she didnt like the guy, he only thought she did? Would she have rathered not be kissed, so her first kiss would be one she wanted? Or would she take it as a compliment, that while she didnt personally like the guy, that he took intrest in her. And, growing up with three sisters, I have a pretty good idea what a girl would answer. "It depends on the guy". You know, that really doesn't help at all. How is a guy to know if he is one of the guys that the girl wouldnt mind?? This decision is not one I have to make right away, but I want to have an answer ready, because if this situation ever presents itself, I need to make the the decision in a second. Life would be so much more fun with an undo button. Then I could find out, and if it doesnt go like I want, just hit ctrl-Z and live consequence free. But as it is, life leaves us stuck with the consequences. But some things are worth the risk. I would deem this as one of those, but I dont like being wrong, and if I am wrong, I risk my friendship with the girl as well. Its not fair for a girl to get frustrated that guys dont make a move toward her when she is putting so much pressure on them. Don't they understand that maybe they didnt say anything because they value what they have with you too much? And girls laugh because guys seem nervous!

Cheer

Sometimes, nothing cheers me up, because I have no desire to be happy.

An Old Descriptive Essay

Ok this Is NOT my best work, because I wrote in a hurry a while back, but I'm busy today, and feel like posting anyway. So here's a not so great example of my writing skills (honestly, some of the descriptive work isn't bad, but I started off with one idea in mind, got halfway through, changed my mind, and did a quick edit to cobble the two together, so it just doesn't transition well. Also, the ending was incredibly lazy. I guess I shouldn't have taken more time then half an hour...) Anyway, enjoy the feeling of being in a forest at sunrise. I personally have not been up at sunrise too many times, and VERY rarely in the forest, but I have experienced it.



The forest at sunrise is like a symphony. Melodies of light and sound stimulate your senses. First, when it is still mostly dark, color slowly seeps into the world as the blazing sun laboriously pulls itself over the horizon. The forest seems quiet, as if it is holding its breath, not wanting to spoil the moment. Soon, the first real rays of light shoot through dim forest, igniting the gray trees into rich browns, greens and reds. Tentatively, you can hear the first chirps of small life, as they test their voices. You listen harder, and soon you can hear the rhythmic chirps of small insects, the croaks of frogs, and the scampering of little animals.

The now brilliant blue sky provides a striking contrast to the deep greens and rich browns of the towering pines. The creek babbles haphazardly to the stones tumbles over, as the pines softly whisper for it to hush. Rays of sun filter through the swaying trees, making the shadows shimmer as they dance through the ferns covering the forest floor. Scraggly vines claw for purchase on the steep trees as they race each other to the top. Somewhere behind you, a bluejay shrieks in annoyance at the intrusion of a chattering squirrel. A symphony of small wings is carried to your ears as a lazy breeze tenderly caresses your face.

You creep forward, inspecting the twisted alien shapes of a brilliant orange lichen growing in up a nearby cypress root, and a startled rabbit dashes past you, desperate for cover. A shimmer above the surface of the creek catches your eye, and on closer look, clusters of iridescent dragonflies materialize, their eyes set like shining jewels, shattering the light that hits them into rainbows, their wings beating in time to the swaying trees. The forest hums in response as the birds burst into the chorus. Fish heading down stream pause a moment to listen to the orchestra of sound and color. The sun warms your back as you listen to the forest celebrate a new day. 

NOT my usually writing style, but this is what you get with annoying writing assignments. xD

Me, Dissected.

I REALLY wanted to post every day. I knew that wasn't going to happen, though. Its just been so BUSY, and STRESSFUL lately. Still is. I don't have tones of time, but I will leave this here. I just found out that there IS a personality type I belong to. This is BIG news for me, because I have always felt like some Time Lord, but human.. Therefore a freak. I'm good at anything I like to do. I notice almost everything. I see through people to the bigger picture and generally step right up into leadership without asking. people WANT me there, but the idea of controlling people scares me.  I SENSE things. Its Ood. I mean Odd. Doctor Who has messed with my mind. Its like a memory tickling the corner of your brain, saying hey, do this! you don't know WHY but, you do, and its Right. some call it psychic, I wonder if it is actuality me unconsciously noticing and processing information. I have a link to the site I found, but I need to say all this in my own words.

My strengths (not bragging, this is THEIR words here, not mine!):

• Good communication skills (actually... I don't know. I can communicate WELL, but don't know when my point has been made. So I over emphasis thinking the person needs me to go over it AGAIN to understand. supposedly one of my traits is thinking people just don't use there brains enough)
• Very perceptive about people's thought and motives (BURNING BROWN EYES STARE INTO YOUR SOUL. -12 Confidence, +4 Fear)
• Motivational, inspirational; bring out the best in others (they tell me so at least.)
• Warmly affectionate and affirming (I like to think so)
• Fun to be with - lively sense of humor, dramatic, energetic, optimistic (I certainly hope so. My sister says she envies my ability to make friends. I don't know about that, half of them are 'buddies'. I have few TRUE friends, which is what I so dearly want)
• Strive for "win-win" situations (always)
• Driven to meet other's needs (Its litaraly HURTS to ignore the pain of others. I get depressed just thinking someone I know MIGHT have once been depressed and I could have helped. :p)
• Usually loyal and dedicated (Usually?? D: Great, I'll randomly wake up one morning and betray those I love :p )

My Weaknesses (Of COURSE this list is longer :p):

• Tendency to be smothering (Ehh.... I like to show I care, is all! I LOATH the comparison, but I'm like a dog, I guess. If you let me, I'll do anything to show I care, all the time. Good boy Steven. NO! Down! DOWN! Your all muddy!!)
• Their enthusiasm may lead them to be unrealistic (hey, sometimes your dreams are better than real life, ok? Like my last one. All I remember is waking up, but while I was still at the edge of the dream, I was invited to a knitting contest. Generally not caring about knitting but not wanting to show I lacked ANY skill, I politely declined with: 'Thanks, but I will knot get tangled up in this!' watch out, world, this kid's wit is just as sharp in his SLEEP!)
• Uninterested in dealing with "mundane" matters such as cleaning, paying bills, etc. (GUYS I FOUND WHY MY SPELLING'S SO BAD. I just don't CARE :) )
• Hold onto bad relationships long after they've turned bad (Ouch. Bad memories here. Very true. Very, very true. I just cant let things die. I love life to much to see what once was good, now however twisted, wither away like it meant nothing. Like I meant nothing, Like she meant nothing to me. She DOES now. But I cant let go of wanting to prove I once did... )
• Extreme dislike of conflict (Isn't that GOOD?? :) Saving the world with flower power! Not FLOUR  mind you, I'm gluten intolerant.)
• Extreme dislike of criticism (Hey can you blame me? I don't see many people begging to be verbally cut to pieces :p )
• Don't pay attention to their own needs (I can be selfish just like anyone else! That last HERSHEY bar is MINE. Also, I'm EXTREAMLY jealous of the ones I love. Woe to the guy that dates my sister. or my little cousin. But then she counts as a sister :p  )
• Constant quest for the perfect relationship may make them change relationships frequently  (Cant say I relate to this. Hopefully I never will. I intend to get it right from the start. Live a long happy life with my wife and kids, settle somewhere shire-like in my grandfather years and live to be ready for death when it comes. This is AFTER I save the world a few times, of course. How else do you expect for me to MEET this perfect girl??)
• May become bored easily (Story of my life! I have 47 GIGABYTES of half finished grand projects. Animations, Drawings, Books. but seeing how much time and love went into each, I cant DELETE them. I just no longer am interested in working with them. they bore me. ON TO NEW IDEAS!!)
• Have difficulty scolding or punishing others (This is true. I always try to soften the blow, rendering the lesson ineffective. My poor wife wont get much out of the 'Do you want DAD to deal with this??' threat. my kids would BEG her to give the punishing to me. I would scold them and give them all candy to make them FEEL better.)

Annnnnddd its 12:00 as I write this. I need my sleep. I've been getting very little lately. I have no internet now, So I'll post after school tomorrow.

Annoyances

My parents drive me crazy on several issues, but one in particular really gets under my skin. My little brother! They let him walk all over everyone, and he's growing up into a bully. For example. I made him breakfast this morning, and he thought a plate was his, and yelled at me when started eating off of it. It was just a misunderstanding, but he goes and gets my mom, and she starts scolding me, and asks me to aplogize. Well after all that I guess I AM sorry I made him breakfast. In another point, he is increadibly picky. At his age, if we didnt like our food, we still ate it, because thats all we got. But with him, if were headed to taco bell they'll take time out to go to McD's to get him a large fry and to chocolate milks. Chocolate milk?? We used to beg for that stuff and only got it as a reward. If he's told he cant have dessert unless he finishes his peas, he throws them away and eats the peice of cake they saved for him tomorrow. No wonder he's picky. He knows in the end, they'll comply

The end of christmas spirit

The most depressing job of the year, tearing down christmas decorations. Goodbye Christmas!! I will miss you!

Spring cleaning

Due to my sister's pregnancy, I am currently staying at her house to clean things up. This means standing on ladders cleaning dust that i am highly allergic to off of fans,  makeing fudge, endureing my sister's peliminary violin practiceing, clearing cobwebs from corners, and the ever dignified cleaning of toilets. I swear im going to be rich one day if for no other reason than just so I dont have to clean bathrooms. I love her to death, but I'm just not cut out to be a maid. I have learned one thing from this, however. If im ever ruler of the world, first thing after i make a world wide holiday for pizza, i will make it illegal to do spring cleaning any other time of the year exept SPRING. Christmas break was not intended to make time for cleaning fan blades. :p

Conclusions

I have come to a conclusion. Taco salad, while tasty, is NOT a first date food.

Riddles in the...Dark?

I love a good riddle. Nothing like riddles to tickle the brain. Although I must admit I get pretty agitated if I cant figure them out. Here's one I've been working on for a while: I am the eldest son in a family of seven, have three twin sisters and am the second youngest. What am I? Lol just kidding! That dosent even RHYME. Or am I kidding? Sometimes riddles are the best way to see how your life lays out. That dosen't mean they'll give you the answers, but at least now you know the question. And the fun is in figuring out the answer. It may take your whole life, but while I may not think this all the time, deep down, I know I  wouldn't have it any other way. So live your life to its fullest, write the best, most facinating riddle ever told.  Personally I think I may try for a limmerick myself, but that could just be a passing notion.  :D and remember, the best stories have darkness that contrasts the light. If your going through a tough time, remember that the story NEEDS this to balence all the good things and blessings to come!

Music.

Music resonates within me like a neverending song. Its like my whole being is like the inside of a guitar. If I could have a superpower, or an extream talent, i wish i could play the guitar. Not like you think, though. I want to give visions painted with notes. To play in a way that could twist a heart or send it spiraling upward in pure joy. Im glad my mp3 player doesnt keep a history of tracks played, because it would map out my mood for the whole day.

   Hurt. When i am angry, or hurt and defensive, i listen to things like 'pain' by three days grace to try to trick myself into beliving i like this feeling of my heart breaking. I turn it into anger, partly because im no good with emotional pain, and i know my anger, while it gets white hot, fades quite quickly.

  Lonely. Depending on my overall mood, i will listen to happy, distracting music, or quiet, soft almost lullaby like music. Hey, trying to be totally honest here.

   Happy. Owl city comes to mind. Nothing keeps me in a good mood like carefree lyrics and a good, happy beat.

To be honest, these are the big three. If i am sad, i dont want music. And yes, lonely sad is different than other sads.

Bittersweet, Special Dark

I may have, eheh.... fudged.. a few details but here goes.
   M.M. Her first two initials. I thought, hey, I can call her M&M!

But then I remebered.

My last girlfriend. I called her Skittles. (If I had I kissed her, would I have tasted rainbow??) Apperently the Fates felt like playing a sweet and sour cosmic joke on me and my sugery nicknames. Because you see, I like m&ms far more than skittles. In fact, they once were my favorite candy covered treat. Untill I learned that I am leathaly allergic to what's in them, of course. So in summery, it's like this. First I had a sweet tooth for skittles. Then, I fell in love with m&m. But it was a twix!!! Alas, though I was infatuated, she was exactly what I could never have. I have made it my new years resoulution to call all future love intrests 'Sweettart' Ahahahahahahaha get it? Its like sweetheart, but its candy themed, and pretty self explanitory in the end.
Haha I'm laughing myself to Reses here. Peices. I mean Peices. Reses Peices...

Explainations

So here's the deal. I made this blog away from my computer, to be a place where i can rant all i want, instead of spilling my guts all over my poor friends. This way, if they care to know, they can read this blog. But they it doesnt shove my life down their poor little throats. HOWEVER. i couldnt post from my android, untill i had the wonderful idea of installing the app instead of using the browser. But all the same, i wrote these posts, and i will post them. So keep in mind that these were written over a long time period, not all at once. Their just all being posted at once.