In The Name of Peace and Sanity

The other day, I filled two to three pages of a facebook chat with one of my friends- with a MONOLOGUE . she wasn't online. I had learned things that made me confused, and terrified me. I messaged her because I wanted a stabilizing outside opinion, because i had lost all bearings on the world. Possibly one of the most terrifying feelings in the world is to lose your reference points. Its like being in a plane, with no visibility, and no gyroscope. you don't know where you are, where your going, or ANYTHING. Anything you used to know no longer has any relevance. Most of you haven't flown, but this is a good analogy anyway. But I'm not writing this about how I felt when I messaged her. Because... the thing is, I don't really KNOW how I felt very well. That was only a couple of days ago, and looking back I am mortified that I said what I did. I wish I could deny saying any of that. When I told her this, I mentioned that by the very nature of my problem, I would have to bare some of the deepest parts of me. And that would be enough to embarrass anyone in retrospect. But its more than that. I read back over it. And I'm disgusted. I don't know the person who said those things. I showed her a side of me that I'm not sure if I buried so deep I didn't know it was there, or if I showed her a side I never had before. This isn't a pride issue, though. I told her this because I trusted her the most with what I had to say. That hasn't changed. I'm ashamed that I burdened her with it. A long time ago, I grew tired of watching the people I care about struggle. I made a silent promise that day. A promise to myself. I wouldn't stand by idly. I dedicated my life to lightening peoples loads. And that's not what I did that day. I indulged myself, thinking only of myself. And pushed all of the weight I didn't want to carry onto a very dear friend. And I cant forgive that.

                                            "It’s like a promise you make.
                                                        And he's the one who broke the promise."
                                           
                               "What I did, I did in the name of peace and sanity."

                                                         "But NOT in the name of the Doctor"


What I said then MAY HAVE helped me through a tough time. But it still doesn't excuse that I broke my promise to myself. I was supposed to be strong for everyone, not make them carry me. But there is another thing I have to do to keep faith with the type of person I'm trying to be. I need to let it go. I may be embarrassed by it, and I may not ever agree with my decision that day. But today is a NEW day. And that is already in the past. I cant change it now, all I can do is move on. And that's all there is to it. You may not like your past, but fighting it cannot bring you anything but trouble.