Once, an egg fell on my head, but it didnt make a mess because it istantly fried. I'm just that hot. #I'msizzlen

Sweet dreams

I like telling poeple goodnight. For a moment, I can almost convince myself that I have someone to care about that cares about me.

Impatiance

I cant understand people who dont like kids. Seeing my sweet little nephew makes me impatient for the day I will have my own little baby :)

Loneliness

I grew up very sheltered, and very conservetive. Being homeschooled can be very lonely, especially for sociable guy like me. The friends you do make you dont see often, the ones in public school even less, if you go to a small church with really no one your age your pretty much stuck. I have friends, oh yes, and very good ones at that. But i still never see them. The most exciting, fun time of the year for me, second to christmas, is a the annual Grace Bible Camp in arkansas. I have many friends there, coming from all over. From arkensas, tennessee, alabama, texas, and even (rarely) England and a missionary from scandinavia. But the problem i've run into, is that rarely do the people my age support the values their parents uphold. When were alone they go to swearing, talking about how they tricked a girl into cheating on her boyfriend, a couple talk about their time in juv, and one i would NOT be surprised if he is on drugs. Some crowd. But it pulls. Oh, does it pull. How can i pass this up??? Here is a crowd that wants me, that accepts me easily. I dont get friends back home, the way most people think of friends. I CANT pass up spending time with them. I CANT be alone, but there is no way i can hang around the girls who are singing phantom all the time. Then i'll just look like imbtrying to be a ladies man. Im a guy. Guys are supposed to hang out with guys, right? Well most guys now are not worth my time. Its a very, very sad truth. I was called gay the other day, because i was too NICE. So what, masculenity means being a jerk? That explains why so many girls lose hope. I mean whats wrong with people?????? Doesnt this behaviour bother them??? And girls!!! You only premote ill treatment of yourself and fellow girls by dressing trashily! People curse and cheat and lie and they wonder why no one likes them and why their gf left them. Maybe its because deep down, even tough girls want guys to treat them like a princess. Like they are the one thing that matters in the guys life. I am not saying you wont be alone in life if you follow this guidline. Look at me!! I can pretty much tell you as a rule of thumb: if you treat a lady 'properly' and are always their for her, your getting friendzoned. It happens. And yes, it gets really, really lonely. But how can i stop? I cant stop caring, and helping, and being there for someone who is hurting, and needs comfort. I cant help it. Even when i know it only condemns me to being alone, i help.

I should try and sleep now..... Sorry if i rambled a bit but its LATE, I'm not super clear right now.

Insomia

I hate it. I suppose its all the adrenalline, but seriously i need sleep. Ive been going to bed at 2-3 and getting up at 7 for weeks. So tonight I wrote this instead, to keep me occupied as i wait for sleep to finally yield to me.  Its kinda a half dream.

It drifts endlessly. Electrodes spark, and something dead awakens inside. It grows warm, a flickering amber glow beating. Ita veins glow with phosporesence. Its mind snaps to life, going into overdrive, jumping from port to port. A sattelite eye zooms in on Mexico, memorizeing and predicting the beating pulse of the cars, flowing out of the citys, like a mortaly wounded animal bleeding to death. the land exhailing a smokey sigh from the scorched ground. Its mind leaps. It flies past mountains, city-shells and smoking towers. Its over Alaska, watching the SHELTER project being carried out. Not interested, it jumps again. Ones and zeros scramble. Data flows in its veins. A man is stareing into his computer, video blogging about his trivial concerns. It does not care. Its body stirs. Suspended by cables, its metallic skin holds out the liquid its suspended in. The fusion of humanity and the machine, it opens its eyes. One silver, one gold. It opens its mouth, and emits a crystal note that burns inside the minds of the scientests. The glass shatters, the syrupy blue liquid draining away. Suspended in the air by the cables, arms outstreached, it gives a sharp quick jerk and the cables snap, sparking across its silver fingers as it falls to the ground. Circuts blaze to life, and it slows and remains suspended a foor above the floor. This wont happen again. It cocks its head. And smiles. Its good to be free.

Haircuts.

I have come to the conclusion that a barber chair is the true throne of lies. Not only do you hear the most absurd gossip, if people are anything like me, they are not exactly honest with their opinions of the hairdresser. A typical haircut for me usually goes like this:

Me:*walks to the chair like I would rather be headed to my execution*

Me: Just a trim please. (fully aware I shall be loseing what seems like a full ten inches of my lucious, soft brown locks.)

*squirt, squirt. Snipsnipsnipsnip*

Me on the outside: *smiling a plesent, but grim, smile*

Me on the inside: THATS MY SCALP YOUR RIPPING OFF WITH THAT EVIL COMB YOU WITCH!!!!

*grimices beautifully, showing my lovely teeth*

On the inside: EXCUSE ME?? Does that LOOK like hair????? That was my EAR you just snipped!!!!!

*screams most attractively*

*snipsnipsnipsnip*

On the inside: NONONO NOT THE SIDEBURNS! PLEASE I BEG OF YOU, LEAVE THEM!

*snipsnipsnip*

*closes eyes, hopeing to wake up*

This commences for the entire, grueling 3 minutes of torture, after which I have to live with my terrible haircut for all of a day, blessedly short only because of my amazingly fast growing hair, which looks roughly like it did before the haircut the next morning. Or maybe it actually WAS a dream, and I sucsessfully woke up....

Not Always Worth The Risk

Growing up around girls,  I have a pretty good backstage veiw that taught me what they want q guy to say, how to act, what  to do when they cry (Hah!! As if!) But there are some things that are specific to individuals, that you couldnt observe anyway. Several of these often bother me, but a while back, one became especcialy pressing. Would a girl who has never been kissed be happy if a guy kissed her? That seems like an obvious answer, but its not so easy. Girls usually like it when guys take the lead ( I have come to belive that this is solely so if anything goes wrong, we can be held entirely at fault) What if she did, but wasn't ready for that? Or what if she didnt like the guy, he only thought she did? Would she have rathered not be kissed, so her first kiss would be one she wanted? Or would she take it as a compliment, that while she didnt personally like the guy, that he took intrest in her. And, growing up with three sisters, I have a pretty good idea what a girl would answer. "It depends on the guy". You know, that really doesn't help at all. How is a guy to know if he is one of the guys that the girl wouldnt mind?? This decision is not one I have to make right away, but I want to have an answer ready, because if this situation ever presents itself, I need to make the the decision in a second. Life would be so much more fun with an undo button. Then I could find out, and if it doesnt go like I want, just hit ctrl-Z and live consequence free. But as it is, life leaves us stuck with the consequences. But some things are worth the risk. I would deem this as one of those, but I dont like being wrong, and if I am wrong, I risk my friendship with the girl as well. Its not fair for a girl to get frustrated that guys dont make a move toward her when she is putting so much pressure on them. Don't they understand that maybe they didnt say anything because they value what they have with you too much? And girls laugh because guys seem nervous!

Cheer

Sometimes, nothing cheers me up, because I have no desire to be happy.

An Old Descriptive Essay

Ok this Is NOT my best work, because I wrote in a hurry a while back, but I'm busy today, and feel like posting anyway. So here's a not so great example of my writing skills (honestly, some of the descriptive work isn't bad, but I started off with one idea in mind, got halfway through, changed my mind, and did a quick edit to cobble the two together, so it just doesn't transition well. Also, the ending was incredibly lazy. I guess I shouldn't have taken more time then half an hour...) Anyway, enjoy the feeling of being in a forest at sunrise. I personally have not been up at sunrise too many times, and VERY rarely in the forest, but I have experienced it.



The forest at sunrise is like a symphony. Melodies of light and sound stimulate your senses. First, when it is still mostly dark, color slowly seeps into the world as the blazing sun laboriously pulls itself over the horizon. The forest seems quiet, as if it is holding its breath, not wanting to spoil the moment. Soon, the first real rays of light shoot through dim forest, igniting the gray trees into rich browns, greens and reds. Tentatively, you can hear the first chirps of small life, as they test their voices. You listen harder, and soon you can hear the rhythmic chirps of small insects, the croaks of frogs, and the scampering of little animals.

The now brilliant blue sky provides a striking contrast to the deep greens and rich browns of the towering pines. The creek babbles haphazardly to the stones tumbles over, as the pines softly whisper for it to hush. Rays of sun filter through the swaying trees, making the shadows shimmer as they dance through the ferns covering the forest floor. Scraggly vines claw for purchase on the steep trees as they race each other to the top. Somewhere behind you, a bluejay shrieks in annoyance at the intrusion of a chattering squirrel. A symphony of small wings is carried to your ears as a lazy breeze tenderly caresses your face.

You creep forward, inspecting the twisted alien shapes of a brilliant orange lichen growing in up a nearby cypress root, and a startled rabbit dashes past you, desperate for cover. A shimmer above the surface of the creek catches your eye, and on closer look, clusters of iridescent dragonflies materialize, their eyes set like shining jewels, shattering the light that hits them into rainbows, their wings beating in time to the swaying trees. The forest hums in response as the birds burst into the chorus. Fish heading down stream pause a moment to listen to the orchestra of sound and color. The sun warms your back as you listen to the forest celebrate a new day. 

NOT my usually writing style, but this is what you get with annoying writing assignments. xD

Me, Dissected.

I REALLY wanted to post every day. I knew that wasn't going to happen, though. Its just been so BUSY, and STRESSFUL lately. Still is. I don't have tones of time, but I will leave this here. I just found out that there IS a personality type I belong to. This is BIG news for me, because I have always felt like some Time Lord, but human.. Therefore a freak. I'm good at anything I like to do. I notice almost everything. I see through people to the bigger picture and generally step right up into leadership without asking. people WANT me there, but the idea of controlling people scares me.  I SENSE things. Its Ood. I mean Odd. Doctor Who has messed with my mind. Its like a memory tickling the corner of your brain, saying hey, do this! you don't know WHY but, you do, and its Right. some call it psychic, I wonder if it is actuality me unconsciously noticing and processing information. I have a link to the site I found, but I need to say all this in my own words.

My strengths (not bragging, this is THEIR words here, not mine!):

• Good communication skills (actually... I don't know. I can communicate WELL, but don't know when my point has been made. So I over emphasis thinking the person needs me to go over it AGAIN to understand. supposedly one of my traits is thinking people just don't use there brains enough)
• Very perceptive about people's thought and motives (BURNING BROWN EYES STARE INTO YOUR SOUL. -12 Confidence, +4 Fear)
• Motivational, inspirational; bring out the best in others (they tell me so at least.)
• Warmly affectionate and affirming (I like to think so)
• Fun to be with - lively sense of humor, dramatic, energetic, optimistic (I certainly hope so. My sister says she envies my ability to make friends. I don't know about that, half of them are 'buddies'. I have few TRUE friends, which is what I so dearly want)
• Strive for "win-win" situations (always)
• Driven to meet other's needs (Its litaraly HURTS to ignore the pain of others. I get depressed just thinking someone I know MIGHT have once been depressed and I could have helped. :p)
• Usually loyal and dedicated (Usually?? D: Great, I'll randomly wake up one morning and betray those I love :p )

My Weaknesses (Of COURSE this list is longer :p):

• Tendency to be smothering (Ehh.... I like to show I care, is all! I LOATH the comparison, but I'm like a dog, I guess. If you let me, I'll do anything to show I care, all the time. Good boy Steven. NO! Down! DOWN! Your all muddy!!)
• Their enthusiasm may lead them to be unrealistic (hey, sometimes your dreams are better than real life, ok? Like my last one. All I remember is waking up, but while I was still at the edge of the dream, I was invited to a knitting contest. Generally not caring about knitting but not wanting to show I lacked ANY skill, I politely declined with: 'Thanks, but I will knot get tangled up in this!' watch out, world, this kid's wit is just as sharp in his SLEEP!)
• Uninterested in dealing with "mundane" matters such as cleaning, paying bills, etc. (GUYS I FOUND WHY MY SPELLING'S SO BAD. I just don't CARE :) )
• Hold onto bad relationships long after they've turned bad (Ouch. Bad memories here. Very true. Very, very true. I just cant let things die. I love life to much to see what once was good, now however twisted, wither away like it meant nothing. Like I meant nothing, Like she meant nothing to me. She DOES now. But I cant let go of wanting to prove I once did... )
• Extreme dislike of conflict (Isn't that GOOD?? :) Saving the world with flower power! Not FLOUR  mind you, I'm gluten intolerant.)
• Extreme dislike of criticism (Hey can you blame me? I don't see many people begging to be verbally cut to pieces :p )
• Don't pay attention to their own needs (I can be selfish just like anyone else! That last HERSHEY bar is MINE. Also, I'm EXTREAMLY jealous of the ones I love. Woe to the guy that dates my sister. or my little cousin. But then she counts as a sister :p  )
• Constant quest for the perfect relationship may make them change relationships frequently  (Cant say I relate to this. Hopefully I never will. I intend to get it right from the start. Live a long happy life with my wife and kids, settle somewhere shire-like in my grandfather years and live to be ready for death when it comes. This is AFTER I save the world a few times, of course. How else do you expect for me to MEET this perfect girl??)
• May become bored easily (Story of my life! I have 47 GIGABYTES of half finished grand projects. Animations, Drawings, Books. but seeing how much time and love went into each, I cant DELETE them. I just no longer am interested in working with them. they bore me. ON TO NEW IDEAS!!)
• Have difficulty scolding or punishing others (This is true. I always try to soften the blow, rendering the lesson ineffective. My poor wife wont get much out of the 'Do you want DAD to deal with this??' threat. my kids would BEG her to give the punishing to me. I would scold them and give them all candy to make them FEEL better.)

Annnnnddd its 12:00 as I write this. I need my sleep. I've been getting very little lately. I have no internet now, So I'll post after school tomorrow.

Annoyances

My parents drive me crazy on several issues, but one in particular really gets under my skin. My little brother! They let him walk all over everyone, and he's growing up into a bully. For example. I made him breakfast this morning, and he thought a plate was his, and yelled at me when started eating off of it. It was just a misunderstanding, but he goes and gets my mom, and she starts scolding me, and asks me to aplogize. Well after all that I guess I AM sorry I made him breakfast. In another point, he is increadibly picky. At his age, if we didnt like our food, we still ate it, because thats all we got. But with him, if were headed to taco bell they'll take time out to go to McD's to get him a large fry and to chocolate milks. Chocolate milk?? We used to beg for that stuff and only got it as a reward. If he's told he cant have dessert unless he finishes his peas, he throws them away and eats the peice of cake they saved for him tomorrow. No wonder he's picky. He knows in the end, they'll comply

The end of christmas spirit

The most depressing job of the year, tearing down christmas decorations. Goodbye Christmas!! I will miss you!

Spring cleaning

Due to my sister's pregnancy, I am currently staying at her house to clean things up. This means standing on ladders cleaning dust that i am highly allergic to off of fans,  makeing fudge, endureing my sister's peliminary violin practiceing, clearing cobwebs from corners, and the ever dignified cleaning of toilets. I swear im going to be rich one day if for no other reason than just so I dont have to clean bathrooms. I love her to death, but I'm just not cut out to be a maid. I have learned one thing from this, however. If im ever ruler of the world, first thing after i make a world wide holiday for pizza, i will make it illegal to do spring cleaning any other time of the year exept SPRING. Christmas break was not intended to make time for cleaning fan blades. :p

Conclusions

I have come to a conclusion. Taco salad, while tasty, is NOT a first date food.

Riddles in the...Dark?

I love a good riddle. Nothing like riddles to tickle the brain. Although I must admit I get pretty agitated if I cant figure them out. Here's one I've been working on for a while: I am the eldest son in a family of seven, have three twin sisters and am the second youngest. What am I? Lol just kidding! That dosent even RHYME. Or am I kidding? Sometimes riddles are the best way to see how your life lays out. That dosen't mean they'll give you the answers, but at least now you know the question. And the fun is in figuring out the answer. It may take your whole life, but while I may not think this all the time, deep down, I know I  wouldn't have it any other way. So live your life to its fullest, write the best, most facinating riddle ever told.  Personally I think I may try for a limmerick myself, but that could just be a passing notion.  :D and remember, the best stories have darkness that contrasts the light. If your going through a tough time, remember that the story NEEDS this to balence all the good things and blessings to come!

Music.

Music resonates within me like a neverending song. Its like my whole being is like the inside of a guitar. If I could have a superpower, or an extream talent, i wish i could play the guitar. Not like you think, though. I want to give visions painted with notes. To play in a way that could twist a heart or send it spiraling upward in pure joy. Im glad my mp3 player doesnt keep a history of tracks played, because it would map out my mood for the whole day.

   Hurt. When i am angry, or hurt and defensive, i listen to things like 'pain' by three days grace to try to trick myself into beliving i like this feeling of my heart breaking. I turn it into anger, partly because im no good with emotional pain, and i know my anger, while it gets white hot, fades quite quickly.

  Lonely. Depending on my overall mood, i will listen to happy, distracting music, or quiet, soft almost lullaby like music. Hey, trying to be totally honest here.

   Happy. Owl city comes to mind. Nothing keeps me in a good mood like carefree lyrics and a good, happy beat.

To be honest, these are the big three. If i am sad, i dont want music. And yes, lonely sad is different than other sads.

Bittersweet, Special Dark

I may have, eheh.... fudged.. a few details but here goes.
   M.M. Her first two initials. I thought, hey, I can call her M&M!

But then I remebered.

My last girlfriend. I called her Skittles. (If I had I kissed her, would I have tasted rainbow??) Apperently the Fates felt like playing a sweet and sour cosmic joke on me and my sugery nicknames. Because you see, I like m&ms far more than skittles. In fact, they once were my favorite candy covered treat. Untill I learned that I am leathaly allergic to what's in them, of course. So in summery, it's like this. First I had a sweet tooth for skittles. Then, I fell in love with m&m. But it was a twix!!! Alas, though I was infatuated, she was exactly what I could never have. I have made it my new years resoulution to call all future love intrests 'Sweettart' Ahahahahahahaha get it? Its like sweetheart, but its candy themed, and pretty self explanitory in the end.
Haha I'm laughing myself to Reses here. Peices. I mean Peices. Reses Peices...

Explainations

So here's the deal. I made this blog away from my computer, to be a place where i can rant all i want, instead of spilling my guts all over my poor friends. This way, if they care to know, they can read this blog. But they it doesnt shove my life down their poor little throats. HOWEVER. i couldnt post from my android, untill i had the wonderful idea of installing the app instead of using the browser. But all the same, i wrote these posts, and i will post them. So keep in mind that these were written over a long time period, not all at once. Their just all being posted at once.

The First Post

Where am i going? How did i get this far? What is my philosiphy in life? How was my first kiss? Why do i obsess over Doctor Who? Who am I? Why are you reading my blog? Was I REALLY once blonde? And WHY is my spelling so bad? I shall attempt to answer a few of these questions, but be warned, i dont know the answer to some of them myself.
1: where i am going. I am going nowhere, really. All my goals are temporary. What will i choose, and what will become of me? I cant say.
2: I have come this far by my vast amout of luck, a couple of cosmic jokes, and by praying, really, really hard. I may have had a better life than most, but its still the worst thing I'VE had to go through.
3: My philosophy. Running out of happines and energy alone, this cold, lonely soul I call me has made it my goal to make others happy. Even if that doesnt immeadiately please them. If your yard is not fertile enought to plant a flower, plant it in your neighbors yard, and it will bring color and life to him. But that doesnt mean you will enjoy it less than if it was in yours.
4: Haha! Got you there. I haven't had a first kiss. These are virgin lips, here. But seriously, I belive in wating for someone very, very special for my first kiss. She'll be around someday. Maybe its someone i know now. Or maybe not. We'll see.
5: Doctor who is more than a show to me. Because see, while i may not have lived as long as he has, or saved any planets yet, i understand who he is. I know the weight he travels with, the lonliest man in the universe. Just a box to keep him company. In my case my box is my computer, and with the help of my 3d animation, it CAN take me away to other times and worlds. Besides, rule number one is a great excuse for myself.
6: Who am I? Bilbo Smith, from 221b Privit Drive, from Wardrobe of Spare Oom, located in the medusa cluster. Rule number one ;)
7: How should I know why your reading this???? Im figureing my life out here, i cant sit around deduceing yours!
8: yes, yes i was blonde at birth. But im over that now.
9: eheheheh... Yeah. Sorry about the spelling. USUALLY i have spell check ;)
Cheerio, Toodlepip, and all that bother. Untill next post!