Once, an egg fell on my head, but it didnt make a mess because it istantly fried. I'm just that hot. #I'msizzlen

Sweet dreams

I like telling poeple goodnight. For a moment, I can almost convince myself that I have someone to care about that cares about me.

Impatiance

I cant understand people who dont like kids. Seeing my sweet little nephew makes me impatient for the day I will have my own little baby :)

Loneliness

I grew up very sheltered, and very conservetive. Being homeschooled can be very lonely, especially for sociable guy like me. The friends you do make you dont see often, the ones in public school even less, if you go to a small church with really no one your age your pretty much stuck. I have friends, oh yes, and very good ones at that. But i still never see them. The most exciting, fun time of the year for me, second to christmas, is a the annual Grace Bible Camp in arkansas. I have many friends there, coming from all over. From arkensas, tennessee, alabama, texas, and even (rarely) England and a missionary from scandinavia. But the problem i've run into, is that rarely do the people my age support the values their parents uphold. When were alone they go to swearing, talking about how they tricked a girl into cheating on her boyfriend, a couple talk about their time in juv, and one i would NOT be surprised if he is on drugs. Some crowd. But it pulls. Oh, does it pull. How can i pass this up??? Here is a crowd that wants me, that accepts me easily. I dont get friends back home, the way most people think of friends. I CANT pass up spending time with them. I CANT be alone, but there is no way i can hang around the girls who are singing phantom all the time. Then i'll just look like imbtrying to be a ladies man. Im a guy. Guys are supposed to hang out with guys, right? Well most guys now are not worth my time. Its a very, very sad truth. I was called gay the other day, because i was too NICE. So what, masculenity means being a jerk? That explains why so many girls lose hope. I mean whats wrong with people?????? Doesnt this behaviour bother them??? And girls!!! You only premote ill treatment of yourself and fellow girls by dressing trashily! People curse and cheat and lie and they wonder why no one likes them and why their gf left them. Maybe its because deep down, even tough girls want guys to treat them like a princess. Like they are the one thing that matters in the guys life. I am not saying you wont be alone in life if you follow this guidline. Look at me!! I can pretty much tell you as a rule of thumb: if you treat a lady 'properly' and are always their for her, your getting friendzoned. It happens. And yes, it gets really, really lonely. But how can i stop? I cant stop caring, and helping, and being there for someone who is hurting, and needs comfort. I cant help it. Even when i know it only condemns me to being alone, i help.

I should try and sleep now..... Sorry if i rambled a bit but its LATE, I'm not super clear right now.

Insomia

I hate it. I suppose its all the adrenalline, but seriously i need sleep. Ive been going to bed at 2-3 and getting up at 7 for weeks. So tonight I wrote this instead, to keep me occupied as i wait for sleep to finally yield to me.  Its kinda a half dream.

It drifts endlessly. Electrodes spark, and something dead awakens inside. It grows warm, a flickering amber glow beating. Ita veins glow with phosporesence. Its mind snaps to life, going into overdrive, jumping from port to port. A sattelite eye zooms in on Mexico, memorizeing and predicting the beating pulse of the cars, flowing out of the citys, like a mortaly wounded animal bleeding to death. the land exhailing a smokey sigh from the scorched ground. Its mind leaps. It flies past mountains, city-shells and smoking towers. Its over Alaska, watching the SHELTER project being carried out. Not interested, it jumps again. Ones and zeros scramble. Data flows in its veins. A man is stareing into his computer, video blogging about his trivial concerns. It does not care. Its body stirs. Suspended by cables, its metallic skin holds out the liquid its suspended in. The fusion of humanity and the machine, it opens its eyes. One silver, one gold. It opens its mouth, and emits a crystal note that burns inside the minds of the scientests. The glass shatters, the syrupy blue liquid draining away. Suspended in the air by the cables, arms outstreached, it gives a sharp quick jerk and the cables snap, sparking across its silver fingers as it falls to the ground. Circuts blaze to life, and it slows and remains suspended a foor above the floor. This wont happen again. It cocks its head. And smiles. Its good to be free.

Haircuts.

I have come to the conclusion that a barber chair is the true throne of lies. Not only do you hear the most absurd gossip, if people are anything like me, they are not exactly honest with their opinions of the hairdresser. A typical haircut for me usually goes like this:

Me:*walks to the chair like I would rather be headed to my execution*

Me: Just a trim please. (fully aware I shall be loseing what seems like a full ten inches of my lucious, soft brown locks.)

*squirt, squirt. Snipsnipsnipsnip*

Me on the outside: *smiling a plesent, but grim, smile*

Me on the inside: THATS MY SCALP YOUR RIPPING OFF WITH THAT EVIL COMB YOU WITCH!!!!

*grimices beautifully, showing my lovely teeth*

On the inside: EXCUSE ME?? Does that LOOK like hair????? That was my EAR you just snipped!!!!!

*screams most attractively*

*snipsnipsnipsnip*

On the inside: NONONO NOT THE SIDEBURNS! PLEASE I BEG OF YOU, LEAVE THEM!

*snipsnipsnip*

*closes eyes, hopeing to wake up*

This commences for the entire, grueling 3 minutes of torture, after which I have to live with my terrible haircut for all of a day, blessedly short only because of my amazingly fast growing hair, which looks roughly like it did before the haircut the next morning. Or maybe it actually WAS a dream, and I sucsessfully woke up....

Not Always Worth The Risk

Growing up around girls,  I have a pretty good backstage veiw that taught me what they want q guy to say, how to act, what  to do when they cry (Hah!! As if!) But there are some things that are specific to individuals, that you couldnt observe anyway. Several of these often bother me, but a while back, one became especcialy pressing. Would a girl who has never been kissed be happy if a guy kissed her? That seems like an obvious answer, but its not so easy. Girls usually like it when guys take the lead ( I have come to belive that this is solely so if anything goes wrong, we can be held entirely at fault) What if she did, but wasn't ready for that? Or what if she didnt like the guy, he only thought she did? Would she have rathered not be kissed, so her first kiss would be one she wanted? Or would she take it as a compliment, that while she didnt personally like the guy, that he took intrest in her. And, growing up with three sisters, I have a pretty good idea what a girl would answer. "It depends on the guy". You know, that really doesn't help at all. How is a guy to know if he is one of the guys that the girl wouldnt mind?? This decision is not one I have to make right away, but I want to have an answer ready, because if this situation ever presents itself, I need to make the the decision in a second. Life would be so much more fun with an undo button. Then I could find out, and if it doesnt go like I want, just hit ctrl-Z and live consequence free. But as it is, life leaves us stuck with the consequences. But some things are worth the risk. I would deem this as one of those, but I dont like being wrong, and if I am wrong, I risk my friendship with the girl as well. Its not fair for a girl to get frustrated that guys dont make a move toward her when she is putting so much pressure on them. Don't they understand that maybe they didnt say anything because they value what they have with you too much? And girls laugh because guys seem nervous!