Never put yourself down. You most likely don't know all the facts. I go to a camp in Arkansas, and while I'm not unpopular, I have always felt that I hit that generic look, the one where no one dislikes you, if only because they forget about you. But, as it turns out, that isn't true. Now, I have been bitter in the past about little kids and animals loving me, but not my peers. And its true. Kids LOVE me. And animals trust me. Adults like me too. But the teen crowd doesn't seem to care either way. I have never been good about hanging out with guys. Growing up around a ton of sisters, even having one as a twin, means I feel more at home hanging out with girls. Because of this, I've always accepted that I wouldn't be the rising social star of the teen guy crowd. Teen girls are.... difficult. They either are dying to have you around because your a BOY or your presence makes them uncomfortable. But as it is, over all, I slide in well with the guys or the girls when I want  very easily. My point is, you can always look at your life and find so much bad in it. Your not as well liked as you could be, or you have lost your once close relation with your parents. Maybe its something bigger, like one of your close friends is moving to Mexico, and you may never see him again, or someone close to you has recently died. But you can only see darkness because it stands against light. If all you can see is darkness, you are either blind, or their is so much light in your life you take it for granted. Why do you still remember how mad you are at the guy that spilled coffee on you two weels ago, when you can't remember that wonderful time you spent with your friend the other day? Perhaps its my inner pessimist, but I tend to remember how people made me small, and forget about the times I felt large. But every now and then, I look around, and see that darkness can only exist if there is also light. In fact, darkness, by its scientific nature, CAN NOT be stronger than the light that reveals it. Which means no matter how bad your life may feel, at the very least 50% of it is good. I dont know about you, but that sounds pretty good to me.

I was just looking over all of my posts, and I have to say. Guys, I'm sorry. It's seriously messed up. Text is highlighted weird colors, things are terribly mispelled. I am nowhere near a computer right now, so I can't actually get to work cleaning it up, but I can tell you that 90% of this stuff comes from writing it on my phone. The tiny keyboard, the crappy coding, it all conspires against me. But most of my ideas are thought up on the go, so I end up looking illiterate. So, put up with me for another week, and if I get some time, I'll truge through it and try to make it presentable

Walls.

Studying stats is like throwing my brain against a brick wall. My forehead actually hurts. I've been studying this all day and I've advanced two or three pages. I want to take a break, but really I've already taken way too many, its my fault I put studing this off for so long. The most basic concepts I can just barely wrap my head around and I know its because of my ADD. Because ADD works two ways. It either takes your brain out of gear and lets you rev your mental engine to exhaustion, or it throws up walls. The hardest, most annoying walls. If feeling your mind in a state of hyperactivity and getting nowhere wasn't panic inducing enough, this is way worse. Try as you might, your mind refuses to absorb new concepts, and struggles with ones you already have mastered. I suppose I only have myself to blame. I actually have pills that are meant to prevent this sort of thing. But I am too prideful and stubborn to take them, I guess. I was born with this. Its part of me. As dumb as it sounds I would feel almost as if I were cheating to use them. Actually, I used to cheat some, and I felt better about that than I do about taling these. When you cheat, there is a certain amount of cleverness and skill you exhibit. Your still independent. But if I take these pills It would be like offering to place steps in front of every Olympic hurdle. The runner will succeed, yes, but he'll never get to prove to the world he could do it without the outside help. I guess this is my Irish blood showing through. But even if I wanted to take them for just today, just to get past this particular block, I couldn't. Because you have to take them for four days straight before they do you any good. So I'll admit it. My pride got me in a bit of a mess. But I think, given the chance, I would rather smash my way this mental wall then be temporarily helped over it.

The Color of Dreams

I have been posting some seriously moody stuff lately, so I was going though and looking at some old stuff I had written, and I found this.I wrote this before I found out this is normal for people like me, but It doesn't really translate into words and will still sound crazy to most of you. Still, Its something that defines me, and it makes me happy, so here you go:

This probbably will make me sound like i hit my head rather hard a while back, but then dreams dont make sense. Thats what makes them fun. You never know, anything could happen. The're just brimmimg with pure potential. Like people.

I often like to think that i see the world in more color than most people. That compared to what they see, my world is alive and bursting with the sharpest of color. That compared to what i see, their world is flat and colorless. Probbably not entirely true, but its a comfortable thought. Still, i can see colors where some cant. I visualize colors everywhere. Even smells have color, in their own way. When im depressed, the color fades, my world lacking contrast and life. My life's goal is to bring this color to other people, even when i.cant see it myself. Its always there for anyone to see. I want to write dreams into my music, and wieve life between the pixels of my animations. I want to show the world its own potential, that it dosent HAVE to see greys, it can choose to see color and life. Show people the sharp greens of a leaf being bent down under the weight of a silvery drop of moonlight. The murky blue infused with glittering, twisting, white that is the color of the sharp sent of the sea, the rich crimson flecked with golds that is love, the infinite sky blue of unrestrained happieness. The sharp, blue-inky black that is midnight, lit by the soft blue glow of bioluminesent mushrooms. Someday, I will create my dreams in a way everyone can share in the crisp, sharp colors, the balenced and subtle lighting, and the faint shades that run in liquid currents thoughout the world.

Acceptance

"We sing together out of key 
Although we try it seems we just can't find our harmony 
We just don't fit each other's frequencies 
That makes you out of reach 
And I am finally accepting that 

About you and me, it's plain to see 
We only ever want to stay inside and watch TV 
Because that's just as good a memory 
You're just good company 
And I am finally accepting that"

Young love

I don't want to love anymore.  I don't want to wake up in the morning, and have the heart ripped out of me all over again. Here is the thing. I'm an extrovert. An EXTREAM extrovert. Being extroverted means that you get all of your physical and mental energy from the people around me. But the thing is, I do, and I don't. In reality, I lean on PARTICULAR people. I the general mood of a room doesn't do it for me when the most important person in the room to me is trying to avoid me. I like her, and she likes someone who likes someone else. Typcal highschool drama, right?? But it doesn't make it any less painfull. Augghhh the DRAMA, PEOPLE. But, every now and then, when the wind blows right, I catch the barest sent of a happy life for me in the future. A cozy life, where people know that I have run with darkness and they don't care. A life where I don't have to wonder what I said to make people avoid me. So in summery here is touch of wisdom for my readers.

A: Don't date in highschool. I know your lonely but seriously, what are you going to do? Give and receive heartbreak? Have sex and get pregnant? Face it, it's not going to end well.

B: when you feel lonelieness and hollowness creeping in, stand up, give yourself a little warmup shake, turn around and with a big breath, be happy and smile back at it! Seriously, being happy isn't hard. Dance through life, and smile at shadows. Your single, be happy. Think about it, your FREE. You don't have to deal with impressing your love interest, you don't have to keep up a relationship, and your uncommitted. You owe loyalty to no one. Its really not a bad way to live, independent on others. Happyness is a gift you have to give yourself

Eaten

Its funny how a small little sentence, from the right person, just a few little words, spoken or written, can suck all the happyness from your world.

Scratch that. Its not funny at all. Not in the least.

Its like walking up a staircase, and taking a step you know to be there, and finding it missing. Your foot goes through the air sickeningly, feeling almost shocked that the step would do such a thing.

Or perhaps its like having a group of friends,  who you hang out with all the time, to the point of neglecting your relationship with your other friends, just to hang out with these. One day, a person or group of people come along and your friends, like one being, turn and go to this new intrest, leaving you behind to think "Huh. So THATS where I fit in.."

Maybe its like having a girl you like lead you to belive that she likes you as well, only to hear her say to no one in partucular that she cares for somene else. Leaving you wondering if that makes you a toy or a backup.

Or maybe it feels like betrayal. A small, untrusting hermit crab pokes his head out of his shell, finally, slowly, carefully. He grows confident, and pokes out some more.... and is promptly eaten.

I feel eaten right now. I had no idea how much weight I put on that step until I found it was gone.

Love Is The Most Important Thing (non musical version)

Over the more recent year of my life, I have learned an important lesson. Life is too short to leave love unexpressed. There are so many times we look at a picture of someone, and realize how much less of a life we would have without them, and they never know. Life's just too short not to let them know. The girl you really like in spanish class. Ask her to the prom. It can't hurt if you don't let it. Just tell them. If they mean so much to you, they need to know. Even if the person doesn't care about you. Last time I checked, love isn't about you. Its selfless. If you truely love the person, you do what it takes to make them shine, even if it leaves you with nothing left. And this goes about other loves than romantic. I would be nothing without my friends. And my sister is soon moving 12 hours away from me, I won't see her much. Does she know how much I'll miss her? I'll soon be seeing the best cousin in the world, who's one of my favorite people on the planet, and like a little sister to me, but does she know that I miss her the whole time were away? Does she go to bed at night and feel alone? And her little sister, my youngest cousin. I would do anything for her and yet she barely knows me. Everyone needs love. Do the people you care about most truly know how special to you they are? Do they really KNOW? if they don't, you don't care enough, or someday you will live to regret not telling them. The crush will find someone else. The sister moves away. Remind the cousins so they don't forget you. Let them know.

You know for someone who gets aggravated at people so much I really hate being alone a lot.