Secrets

They say Love is the most powerful force in the universe. I believe that is true. But the second most powerful must be secrets.
    Secrets drive every human interaction. If you make a purchase or barter, it comes down in the end to how much the other is willing to give. The 'secret' to gaining the advantage is to push the other person to divulge his first- or, how much is the least he will accept from you. Every diplomatic relation is about the same thing- to gain more of your opponents secrets then he does yours. In the information age, knowledge is power. And a lot of its only powerful if its a secret. OR if it suddenly becomes NOT a secret. When it boils down to it, every friendship is based on how much the other is willing to say and NOT say. Those who say the most, are the weakest. The manipulation and trade of secrets is the true commerce of the world. You can trade the keeping or telling secrets for money, or with just a single secret destroy friendships and start wars. Everyone has something they want to keep hidden. I believe that, with the right secret, anyone could be manipulated. Not always bribed, no, but tricked into taking a course of action that actually aids you. You'd want to keep that a secret from them, of course. Otherwise it would have no power. When it comes down to it, secrets are the binary code of knowledge  on or off, told or untold. And knowledge is power. You might argue then, that knowledge, not secrets, is the second strongest force. And in a way, you'd be right. Except Knowledge is not so useful without secrets. They are the base way of manipulating knowledge, and if you cant control and capture that power, then its useless.

Well, I got my wisdom teeth removed today. JUST KILL ME. The doctor said I had the most troublesome teeth he had ever pulled..

MUSIC!

SCM music player is the best. Just saying. It takes YOUTUBE LINKS. if you you fellow bloggers want one, just go to there site, go through the steps, and take the html code and copy it. then go to Blogger> layout> gadgets  new> Html/Java Code. Its beautiful. and for those who loath my music taste, there is both a mute and a pause button. (there will be more of a selection later, I'm busy now) 

Eclipsed

No, this isnt a post about twilight. This is a post many people can relate to, if not on the same level as me. Its also a post that deals with some of my most deeply rooted feelings, most of them bitter.
I think, that i honestly have one of the worse positons in a family, though not the worst. Everything adds up against me.
   You see, being the youngest in a family has its perks. Becoming the second youngest, however, does not. And yet I carry the responsibilities of the oldest son as well. Growing up in a family of girls, obviously, is not ideal. While I have become quite familiar with how they act and how to treat them, its also well known that girls are, well, the PREFERRED children. While I am expected to take all responsibility in my house, and be a perfect role model, my family makes it very clear they have no respect for me at all. This would all be a million times easier to bear- exept I have a twin. A picture of everything I am not, she is what I will always be expected to be. I am a eternally grateful that its not an identacal twin, partly because he would be the perfection and light to my brokenness and shadow. Already I am the black sheep of my family, sicking out only farther against the one I am expected to be most like, my twin. Its true, we ARE close, and have that special bond between twins. I just cant share things with her. So much she wouldnt understand because she has never known. I know her, and she thinks she knows me, but im not the guy she thinks i am. There will always be that distance, that one sided... resentment, on the part of the "lesser" twin. I am expected more of and thought less of. Because of this, I need somewhere to run that has nothing to do with her. That's partly why she doesn't know my blog address. Most every post I've made I wouldn't tell her. It gets so frustrating, to make lower grades, to leave the room with her, and only you are called back to work. To both (admitedly) spend your days on the computer, and only you get in trouble, even though you were working twoward a carreer while she was on PINTREST all day. I have come to HATE pintrest. All around me, I see people wasting away every free second on it. Its disgusting. If your reading this and you know me in real life, please be courtious and NEVER pintrest or talk about how much you love it in front of me. You'll only make me never want to spend time with you again. (This may be the goal of some, but if thays true I don't count you as a loss to my friends)
Its a cumulation of events over time, butterness over the many individually insignificant events, and the constant favoritism just gets so old.

The Secret to Happiness

I am about to reveal the coveted secret to happiness. At least my version of it.

    Somedays, I'm pure wit incarnate, sure of myself, with a razor tounge that deals jokes and scathing comments alike. I am confident that I can accomplish anything I choose. Other days I dislike myself and question my friends loyalties, sure that I am spoken badly of, or not even noticed at all. Mostly, I slip between these with seemingly no reason. But lately, I have decided that it is a CHOICE, that I can choose to be happy. Nothing holds me back. It doesn't matter what others think, how I feel is my own, and they should not be able to bring me down. And its true. I gathered my thoughts and used my legendary will to stubbornly be happy, choosing to be content with myself and uncareing of others opinions. Somedays this is harder than others, but its always possible. The power to be happy is in everyone, we just don't know it or choose not to be.

Shoutout

So I decided to look at my audiance the other day, and I found I have a faithfull reader in GERMANY. I'm part german, actually! Anyway, if just like to give a shoutout to the guy in germany that reads this blog. Or girl. I like girls! Oh sorry getting distracted... anyway, whoever you are, your awesome!

Glow

That feeling when you look across a crowded room, and suddenly, you find yourself staring at Her, because no one else is actually important at all. Some people just have a way of sucking all the light and life in a room up and radiating it. I wish I had that talent. But I suppose it could depend on the viewer. Maybe to someone, its like that with me.

To know her is to love her

I'm goin' undercover
To catch a glimpse but not get caught

But to see her, could be worse
If I don't get my head straight first
On second thought I guess I'll not

She's almost brighter than the sun
Seems to me to be unfair
When you consider everyone
Who pales when they compare
When they compare

Shame

I have to admit, I care more than I care to admit about how much people care about me. Let me rephrase that. I care far too much about my appearance  Not just looking good, but saying the right thing at the right moment and being the right mix of funny and serious, and being nice without overdoing it and being thought strangely of. let me get this clear. If you bow to shame, if you alter yourself to fit peoples views and please them, you WILL be a slave for the rest of your life. No alternatives. If your goal is to please people, I'm sorry, but your going to fail. Your going to kiss up to people for the rest of your life, and be thought LESS of for it. Huge amounts of time obsessing over your looks never made anyone respect someone more either. That's not saying to not look your best, but don't live your life a slave to others. Don't live your life a slave to the shame of others. Look it in the face, and TAKE IT. IGNORE it. Shame only has power over you if you give into it.

What a dissapointment. The first truly British girl I meet and she doesn't watch Dr Who. 

The Forgotten Smell of Roses

Manly title, eh?


Perhaps the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. But perhaps you are a wolf, and actually survive better on the barren, snowy side.

   There was a time that I wished that my life was fuller, that I WENT to school saw my friends every day, worked hard in swim team, or lived an otherwise normal social life. I envied my friends in both public and private schools. The grass is always greener on the other side, right? they envied me, while I envied them. And while its true I have a massive amount of freetime compared to the average senior in highschool, I constantly fight off boredom, disinterest  and loneliness. This is not because I have a lax education. School is difficult and often long, though I CAN finish class well before public school lets out. But I have come to recently realize that Just because I cant be on a sports team, or see my friends often, or any of that, does not mean i have lived less of a life. I have friends that push themselves to the limit, constantly moving, always being SOCIAL and ACTIVE. But on talking to them, I find that they have never known the little things, that iIexperience in abundance. They don't have time for a leisurely walk, have never microwaved a marshmellow or climbed on roofs or spent a day raking a yard only to jump in the leaf piles. There is so MUCH that they are missing out on, and never guessing the value of the little things they dismiss. I have been leisurely smelling the roses for so long I had stooped noticing the fragrance and there color and beauty became ordinary to me. I forgot that some people never slow down, have to be reminded to take part in little things, like bending down to show your little brother a better, easier way to draw a fish, or taking time to be the bad guy in a kids game. It's true, some people have crowded there life so much that they CANT bend down anymore, but I no longer envy them. They enjoy parts of life that I will maybe never enjoy, but I have enjoyed the simple pleasures that they cannot imagine. And in accepting this balance you can find contentment. Because no matter how much someone else may seem to have it better than you, you always have something they don't  Remember that perhaps they, too, envy you.

Quiet

Usually, I have so much to say. So many words, so many opinions to voice, that no one really cares about. But lately, I haven't posted much, because Ive been in an odd, quiet mood lately. not that i dont have anything to say, because im overflowing with delusions of self importance and wisdom. I cant say what's brought it. perhaps the need for peace. Perhaps its the feeling of secretiveness, drawing into myself and being unwilling to reveal myself. Maybe i feel the value of my words decreasing with each one. Or maybe, I realize every time i speak something goes wrong, or I someone pulls away further, or i create problems. But no matter the source, I feel like I have nothing that i truly wish to say.

Monster

We found the monster on a rocky ledge high above the lake. For three days my brother and I had tracked it through the maze of caves to its lair on the mountains summit. And now we beheld it, curled atop its treasure  its pale fur and scales ablaze with moonlight.
  It knew we were there. Doubtless it had smelled us coming, its flared nostrils drinking in the sweat of our and fear. Its crested head lifted slightly, almost lazily. Coins and jewels clinked and shifted as its body began to uncoil.
  "Kill it!" I roared. My sword was in my hand, and my brother was at my side, his own blade flashing. The speed with which the beast struck was incomprehensible. I tried to throw myself clear, but its muscular neck crashed against my right arm, and I felt the arm break and dangle uselessly at my side. But my sword hand was my left, and with a bellow of pain, I slashed at the monster's chest, my blade deflecting off its mighty ribs.
  I was aware of my brother striking at the beast's lower regions  all while trying to avoid its lashing tail. The monster came at me again, its jaws agape. I battered its head, trying to stab at its mouth or eyes. but it was as quick as a cobra. It knocked me sprawling to the stone, so that I was perilously close to the precipice's edge. The monster reared back, ready to strike, and then it shrieked in pain, for my brother had severed one of its hind legs.
  But still the monster faced only me - as if I were its sole adversary.
  I pushed myself up with my good hand, Before the monster could strike, I hurled myself at it. This time my sword plunged deep into its chest, so deep I could scarcely wrench it out. A ribbon of dark fluid unfurled in the moonlight, and the monster reared to full height, terrible to behold, and then crumpled. its head shattered on the ground, and there, among the bloodied fur and cracked crest, was the face of a beautiful girl. My brother came to my side, and together we gazed at her, marveling.
"We've broken the curse," he said to me. "We have saved the town. And we have released her."
  The girl's eyes opened, and she looked from my brother to me. I knew she didn't have long to live, and a question burned inside me. I knelt.
  "Why?" I asked her. "Why was it only me you attacked?"



                  "Because it is you," she whispered, "who is the real monster."


                                                                                                        -This Dark Endeavor