I love cold weather. Cold weather always makes me feel like everything will work out all right.

I dont want to be the secret blog of rants. but the sad truth is when I'm truly feeling my best i dont feel like coming here. I just want to enjoy life

I dont know what worse, when someone wont let me into their heart to figure out whats wrong, or when I accidentally stumble across someones pain, even a stranger, and I suddenly have to fix it. I mean, If i have tha capability to help them, I have no right to do anything else. Their pain is now MINE and the only way to fix ME is to fix THEM. They cant break that bond by brushing away my offer for help

Nightmares of Daydreams

The dream scares me. But it isn't a nightmare, It's the opposite. Its the intersection of everything good that has come , could come, or will come her way. I'm afraid, because what if her dream of a perfect day didn't contain me? I want to tell myself to perk up, that I have to have some self confidence, but how can I build self confidence with nothing to build on? I want to belong more than anything. But I know in my heart that its impossible for it to be me, because I am outside of perfection. I cant ever live in a perfect day, even in a dream.

Its practically impossible for me to be sad on a day like this. 60 degrees, clear blue sky, a strong breeze always ruffling my hair... when I even START to get frustrated or the smile begins to fade of my face, I walk outside and cant help but break out into a silly grin and cant stop

Feels

The song "All This And Heaven Too" by Florence + The Machine means so much to me. the first time I actually LISTENED to the lyrics, I just kinda stood there in shock. Because this is EXACTLY what I've been trying to say all my life. But ironically  I never could put my feelings into words. Language is such a crude too compared to the raw emotion that I try to get across. 







"And the heart is hard to translate
it has a language of its own
it talks in tongues and quiet sighs
and prayers and proclamations

in the grandest of great men
in the smallest of gestures
in short shallow gasps

but with all my education
I can't seem to command it
and the words are all escaping
coming back all damaged
and I would put them back in poetry if I only knew how
I can't seem to understand it 

and I would give all this and heaven too
I would give it all if only for a moment
that I could just understand
the meaning of the word you see
cause I've been scrawling it forever
but it never makes sense to me at all

And it talks to me, it tiptoes
and it sings to me inside
it cries out in the darkest night
it breaks in the morning light

but with all my education
I can't seem to command it
and the words are all escaping
coming back all damaged
and I would put them back in poetry if I only knew how
I can't seem to understand it

and I would give all this and heaven too
I would give it all if only for a moment
that I could just understand
the meaning of the word you see
cause I've been scrawling it forever
but it never makes sense to me at all

poor language it doesn't deserve such treatment
and all my stumbling phrases never amounted to anything worth this feeling
oh this heaven, never could describe such a feeling as I knew it
words were never so useful
so I was screaming out a language that I never knew existed before"

A month of applying for jobs. I'm sort of disillusioned. I thought it wouldn't be like this somehow. I mean, my sister got hired like right away. I applied at the same place, but my application didn't go through, and now the spots taken. All around where I live places are begging for workers. and yet no one has gotten back to me. I actually had an interview the other day, but they basically kicked me out and slammed the door when they heard i couldn't be a delivery boy. Its kinda stressful, as I need the money and I really don't have the time for the world to be like this :)