Feels

The song "All This And Heaven Too" by Florence + The Machine means so much to me. the first time I actually LISTENED to the lyrics, I just kinda stood there in shock. Because this is EXACTLY what I've been trying to say all my life. But ironically  I never could put my feelings into words. Language is such a crude too compared to the raw emotion that I try to get across. 







"And the heart is hard to translate
it has a language of its own
it talks in tongues and quiet sighs
and prayers and proclamations

in the grandest of great men
in the smallest of gestures
in short shallow gasps

but with all my education
I can't seem to command it
and the words are all escaping
coming back all damaged
and I would put them back in poetry if I only knew how
I can't seem to understand it 

and I would give all this and heaven too
I would give it all if only for a moment
that I could just understand
the meaning of the word you see
cause I've been scrawling it forever
but it never makes sense to me at all

And it talks to me, it tiptoes
and it sings to me inside
it cries out in the darkest night
it breaks in the morning light

but with all my education
I can't seem to command it
and the words are all escaping
coming back all damaged
and I would put them back in poetry if I only knew how
I can't seem to understand it

and I would give all this and heaven too
I would give it all if only for a moment
that I could just understand
the meaning of the word you see
cause I've been scrawling it forever
but it never makes sense to me at all

poor language it doesn't deserve such treatment
and all my stumbling phrases never amounted to anything worth this feeling
oh this heaven, never could describe such a feeling as I knew it
words were never so useful
so I was screaming out a language that I never knew existed before"

A month of applying for jobs. I'm sort of disillusioned. I thought it wouldn't be like this somehow. I mean, my sister got hired like right away. I applied at the same place, but my application didn't go through, and now the spots taken. All around where I live places are begging for workers. and yet no one has gotten back to me. I actually had an interview the other day, but they basically kicked me out and slammed the door when they heard i couldn't be a delivery boy. Its kinda stressful, as I need the money and I really don't have the time for the world to be like this :)

Confusion Conclusion

Well I got a reply to my post. And it turns out, of course, that I could have just trusted her completely from the start. She didn't run away. It didn't ruin our friendship. Actually she sounded a bit pleased :) I guess the moral of this story is you can save yourself a lot of time and effort by just trusting the people you trust most instead of stressing out about it. Either way, I'll be in a good mood for a month :D

I miss London, and Amsterdam, and Paris. I miss the Alps and the watery roads of Venice. I miss the places I've never been. And I miss the people I've never met.

Confusion

Lately I feel.... Older. I finally feel like a young adult. At the same time, I feel like I've only just started growing. I've learned that I was asking the unimportant questions before. Now I have to find the important ones.
     I'm going out on a rather uncomfortable limb here. Anyone who knows me knows exactly who I'm talking about and that can be scary. Maybe this is my way of telling her how I feel, without being too... Idk. personal? More personal sounds better for this type of thing. But I was always the one to hide behind words. She reads my blog, she'll read this. But before you get all excited and decide who it is, just ask my family. SHE isn't narrowing things down when it comes to my friends. 70% of them are girls. I don't really trust guys much. And girls get along well with me. People think I'm a player, which annoys me, because players are excellent examples of why not to like the average guy. I guess, in the end, I want to tell her EXACTLY how i feel, without her pushing me away, hence the cryptic blog post. Possibly the scariest thing about this is never knowing if the message reached its target. Who would reply, in fear of being wrong? I hope she knows its her I'm talking about. And if she does, I hope she can understand. So here you go, I'm saying to the world what I couldn't say in person:

If I'm going to be totally honest with myself, I don't think I've ever been in love. I don't think half the people who say they are have been. Not REALLY. I liked a girl, yes. Later I found that half my feelings for her were pity. I wanted to help. She needed love, and I gave it. I thought. But I didn't realize i gave pity rather than love. And then there was another more recent one, who charmed me off my feet. But if I'm completely honest.... Do I love her? We flirt and yet I cant really see us as a couple. Certainly not marriage. and that's my end goal in dating someone, right? Maybe I just am not far enough along in my life to see that far yet. Maybe I'm just not ready, but will be someday. My parents were best friends from preschool, and basicly had a crush on each other all their lives. I GUARANTEE you that they didn't think of marriage for a LONG while during that time. What do I want from this? Its a Flirtationship. no more. But what am I achieving? Is she more serious then me? If so, I have no right to lead her on and she should know. Do I like her more than she likes me? If so then I'm the loser here. But not really. After all, I'm not serious either. Its just a fun, high risk, fast paced game. Maybe this is the only way to grow up. But no matter how I put it, I DO love her. She's probably one of my top three favorite people (I'm not going to choose between them. There ALL my best friends). I certainly don't want her hurt, and she always makes me smile, and I'm very protective of her. But all of that can be applied to your best friend or the "fun" sister. How are you supposed to tell when its more than that? Yeah, I think of her a lot. Doesn't everyone think of their favorite people a lot? Yeah, I blush when people tease me about her. My sister blushes when I tease her about people I KNOW she doesn't like. How is a guy who's possibly never been in love supposed to know when he finally is? Why does no one seem to know the answers? Will I ever know? or is this something adults struggle with too?

I have learned that I am no good at goodbyes. I just cant accept letting them go.

Taking a Breath of Fresh Air

I had to move the car today, and I just sat there with it cranked for like five solid minutes, debating whether or not I would just drive off and return in a few weeks. I've been cooped up in my house with all of its drama for so long that I've lost sight of how much i needed to get out. It was a very pretty, windy summer day, and ended up climbing onto my roof and literally standing on the highest peak, letting the wind blow over me. Laying on my back watching the clouds. Sitting on the edge of the highest part and swinging my feet, watching the sun set. If I was a demigod, then I would surely be a son of Zeus, because the higher up I go, and the stronger the wind, the more complete I feel. I've never felt so complete as when I stood on my roof as a hurricane swept in around me from the gulf. This little break, of doing nothing at all, it did a lot for me. There is a lot going on in my life right now, and I'm sorry for not blogging more, I've just been busy. Plus, I've been really introspective lately, and I kinda feel less like I have to get my thoughts out of my head or it will explode, and more like letting my thoughts marinate inside my head a while before speaking my mind. Its terrifying. From whence came this new found maturity? Oh well, I'm sure I'll be my good old self before long. :)