I have learned that I am no good at goodbyes. I just cant accept letting them go.

Taking a Breath of Fresh Air

I had to move the car today, and I just sat there with it cranked for like five solid minutes, debating whether or not I would just drive off and return in a few weeks. I've been cooped up in my house with all of its drama for so long that I've lost sight of how much i needed to get out. It was a very pretty, windy summer day, and ended up climbing onto my roof and literally standing on the highest peak, letting the wind blow over me. Laying on my back watching the clouds. Sitting on the edge of the highest part and swinging my feet, watching the sun set. If I was a demigod, then I would surely be a son of Zeus, because the higher up I go, and the stronger the wind, the more complete I feel. I've never felt so complete as when I stood on my roof as a hurricane swept in around me from the gulf. This little break, of doing nothing at all, it did a lot for me. There is a lot going on in my life right now, and I'm sorry for not blogging more, I've just been busy. Plus, I've been really introspective lately, and I kinda feel less like I have to get my thoughts out of my head or it will explode, and more like letting my thoughts marinate inside my head a while before speaking my mind. Its terrifying. From whence came this new found maturity? Oh well, I'm sure I'll be my good old self before long. :)

Stillness

On Sunday, I had my 18th birthday. Everyone around me is telling me to smoke, rebel, party, or they're giving out sage advice on what I should do with my life. I supose I should be in a partying mood, I mean, I get to vote now, right? How cool is THAT? But I havnt really felt like partying. I'm not down, not really. Actually I'm pretty content. I've just been... quiet. Which any friend of mind will instantly tell you is cause for worry. My family thinks im angry or scared,  because i dont say much. Its just... Its a lot to take in, you know? And frankly, most of it scares me to death. Im not quiet in the scared mouse way, though. Its a kind of mental stillness. Like the state of relaxation your in just before you go to sleep. Ive always hidden behind my words, and now all my gaurds are down. But it doesnt bother me. There are more things I could go into, but I dont really feel like talking much just now. Maybe I'll explain some other day.

In The Name of Peace and Sanity

The other day, I filled two to three pages of a facebook chat with one of my friends- with a MONOLOGUE . she wasn't online. I had learned things that made me confused, and terrified me. I messaged her because I wanted a stabilizing outside opinion, because i had lost all bearings on the world. Possibly one of the most terrifying feelings in the world is to lose your reference points. Its like being in a plane, with no visibility, and no gyroscope. you don't know where you are, where your going, or ANYTHING. Anything you used to know no longer has any relevance. Most of you haven't flown, but this is a good analogy anyway. But I'm not writing this about how I felt when I messaged her. Because... the thing is, I don't really KNOW how I felt very well. That was only a couple of days ago, and looking back I am mortified that I said what I did. I wish I could deny saying any of that. When I told her this, I mentioned that by the very nature of my problem, I would have to bare some of the deepest parts of me. And that would be enough to embarrass anyone in retrospect. But its more than that. I read back over it. And I'm disgusted. I don't know the person who said those things. I showed her a side of me that I'm not sure if I buried so deep I didn't know it was there, or if I showed her a side I never had before. This isn't a pride issue, though. I told her this because I trusted her the most with what I had to say. That hasn't changed. I'm ashamed that I burdened her with it. A long time ago, I grew tired of watching the people I care about struggle. I made a silent promise that day. A promise to myself. I wouldn't stand by idly. I dedicated my life to lightening peoples loads. And that's not what I did that day. I indulged myself, thinking only of myself. And pushed all of the weight I didn't want to carry onto a very dear friend. And I cant forgive that.

                                            "It’s like a promise you make.
                                                        And he's the one who broke the promise."
                                           
                               "What I did, I did in the name of peace and sanity."

                                                         "But NOT in the name of the Doctor"


What I said then MAY HAVE helped me through a tough time. But it still doesn't excuse that I broke my promise to myself. I was supposed to be strong for everyone, not make them carry me. But there is another thing I have to do to keep faith with the type of person I'm trying to be. I need to let it go. I may be embarrassed by it, and I may not ever agree with my decision that day. But today is a NEW day. And that is already in the past. I cant change it now, all I can do is move on. And that's all there is to it. You may not like your past, but fighting it cannot bring you anything but trouble.

Until We Meet Again

I've been a REALLY good mood lately. Just, genuinely content, and happy, even when the day doesn't go so well. And it has a lot to do with my trip up to Texas and Arkansas. I got to see all of my family (the relatives I'm close to anyway) I had a blast with my friends in Texas ( I've only met them twice. When i left this second visit, I felt discontent with it, but that's because I had a few issues that weren't resolved. Now that they ARE resolved, I can confidently say, the second visit was the best. On the first visit, I met them because I kinda crashed a party that they had been planning for themselves for weeks. I had a blast, but the people came that time were people were going to come anyway. This time, the people who wanted to see me came. The people who didn't want to see me, didn't have to come. End of story) In Arkansas, I had a wonderful time with both my friends and the chiggers (AND TICKS). I kicked butt at Foosball, swam in the icy depths of the swimming pool, (Three times. I don't learn quickly) broke my friend John's heart (a CANDY one, not the real one) and skipped through a field of flowers. See, here's the thing. I'm extroverted. that means I get my energy from the people I'm around. And homeschooled. that means I'm only really ever around my intimidate family. And believe it or not, that energy gets stale, like rebreathing the air around you. Trips like these, visiting, and having fun with my friends for extended periods like this, I don't get that very much. I see some of my friends twice a week. (but only at certain times of the year) Most I see every two months. The rest I see twice a year. I LIVE for weeks like this. Stuff like this charges my batteries. And this trip was a super long, concentrated IV of social energy. Even when I was done socializing, I socialized with my friends in the dorm. Because making gay jokes and pulling admittedly slightly mean pranks is THE most refined form of socializing. It's all put me in the best of moods. I'm happy, alert, and wittier than ever before :p. But seriously, I feel like my mind has been sharpened. But even with all of that, over the past week, I've had this feeling at the back of my mind that's been bugging me. Something I wanted to do... I tried feeding my known addictions. I'd sit down at my computer, and realize, "no, I don't want to play any of these games." So I tried MORE internet. More internet is the solution to everything, right? And while I had no argument with sitting down and watching YouTube videos of cats getting stuck in venetian blinds, it wasn't what I wanted either. I needed to check my Facebook notifications!! But that wasn't it either. What was it? It wasnt damping my happiness, It was like... Taking your favorite hoodie off. Your not COLD you don't NEED it.. you just like the way it covers up your exposed arm. you feel more... Complete while wearing it. when you take it off, a part of you says "Nooo, let be be caressed by the delicate cotton fibers once more! I feel EXPOSED." And this is going to sound silly, but one day it hit me. I missed my friends. What?? I thought you just told me how important they were to you and all of that! how could you NOT KNOW you missed them??? And the answer is simple. Usually, I feel down when i leave my friends. I get a little depressed finding myself back on my own. And I focus on the sadness, and use my missing them to fuel that. But recently, I've become more independent. I grow sad when I leave them, and then I brush myself off and say, "Until next time." I guess you could say I've matured. But this was my first time leaving them and feeling that way. Because you see, the problem was that I assumed that since I didn't become depressed, there was no sadness to feel. And its true, missing someone is a sad feeling. goodbyes are sad things. But this has taught me that you can experience sadness while still being happy. I can live without my friends, and I can be happy without them. but DO miss them. So.... Until next time :)

Never put yourself down. You most likely don't know all the facts. I go to a camp in Arkansas, and while I'm not unpopular, I have always felt that I hit that generic look, the one where no one dislikes you, if only because they forget about you. But, as it turns out, that isn't true. Now, I have been bitter in the past about little kids and animals loving me, but not my peers. And its true. Kids LOVE me. And animals trust me. Adults like me too. But the teen crowd doesn't seem to care either way. I have never been good about hanging out with guys. Growing up around a ton of sisters, even having one as a twin, means I feel more at home hanging out with girls. Because of this, I've always accepted that I wouldn't be the rising social star of the teen guy crowd. Teen girls are.... difficult. They either are dying to have you around because your a BOY or your presence makes them uncomfortable. But as it is, over all, I slide in well with the guys or the girls when I want  very easily. My point is, you can always look at your life and find so much bad in it. Your not as well liked as you could be, or you have lost your once close relation with your parents. Maybe its something bigger, like one of your close friends is moving to Mexico, and you may never see him again, or someone close to you has recently died. But you can only see darkness because it stands against light. If all you can see is darkness, you are either blind, or their is so much light in your life you take it for granted. Why do you still remember how mad you are at the guy that spilled coffee on you two weels ago, when you can't remember that wonderful time you spent with your friend the other day? Perhaps its my inner pessimist, but I tend to remember how people made me small, and forget about the times I felt large. But every now and then, I look around, and see that darkness can only exist if there is also light. In fact, darkness, by its scientific nature, CAN NOT be stronger than the light that reveals it. Which means no matter how bad your life may feel, at the very least 50% of it is good. I dont know about you, but that sounds pretty good to me.

I was just looking over all of my posts, and I have to say. Guys, I'm sorry. It's seriously messed up. Text is highlighted weird colors, things are terribly mispelled. I am nowhere near a computer right now, so I can't actually get to work cleaning it up, but I can tell you that 90% of this stuff comes from writing it on my phone. The tiny keyboard, the crappy coding, it all conspires against me. But most of my ideas are thought up on the go, so I end up looking illiterate. So, put up with me for another week, and if I get some time, I'll truge through it and try to make it presentable