I have learned that I am no good at goodbyes. I just cant accept letting them go.

Taking a Breath of Fresh Air

I had to move the car today, and I just sat there with it cranked for like five solid minutes, debating whether or not I would just drive off and return in a few weeks. I've been cooped up in my house with all of its drama for so long that I've lost sight of how much i needed to get out. It was a very pretty, windy summer day, and ended up climbing onto my roof and literally standing on the highest peak, letting the wind blow over me. Laying on my back watching the clouds. Sitting on the edge of the highest part and swinging my feet, watching the sun set. If I was a demigod, then I would surely be a son of Zeus, because the higher up I go, and the stronger the wind, the more complete I feel. I've never felt so complete as when I stood on my roof as a hurricane swept in around me from the gulf. This little break, of doing nothing at all, it did a lot for me. There is a lot going on in my life right now, and I'm sorry for not blogging more, I've just been busy. Plus, I've been really introspective lately, and I kinda feel less like I have to get my thoughts out of my head or it will explode, and more like letting my thoughts marinate inside my head a while before speaking my mind. Its terrifying. From whence came this new found maturity? Oh well, I'm sure I'll be my good old self before long. :)

Stillness

On Sunday, I had my 18th birthday. Everyone around me is telling me to smoke, rebel, party, or they're giving out sage advice on what I should do with my life. I supose I should be in a partying mood, I mean, I get to vote now, right? How cool is THAT? But I havnt really felt like partying. I'm not down, not really. Actually I'm pretty content. I've just been... quiet. Which any friend of mind will instantly tell you is cause for worry. My family thinks im angry or scared,  because i dont say much. Its just... Its a lot to take in, you know? And frankly, most of it scares me to death. Im not quiet in the scared mouse way, though. Its a kind of mental stillness. Like the state of relaxation your in just before you go to sleep. Ive always hidden behind my words, and now all my gaurds are down. But it doesnt bother me. There are more things I could go into, but I dont really feel like talking much just now. Maybe I'll explain some other day.